I am a blogger...

...that is what someone said to me today!  Wow!  I kind of like that title even though there are many bloggers out there.  I think I want to write more though.  I think I want to be a blogger AND a writer.  A writer of what you ask...not sure about that yet.  Like I've been trying to tell myself lately--take everything day by day.

Scrambled Thoughts

Yesterday was not the greatest day.  Soon after my husband and son left for their hike I could feel something not right.  I did my best to ignore the feeling.  After all, I had planned a full day - morning to myself with little things to do around the house and afternoon with the family doing whatever.  It didn't work out the best though.  I had some stomach issues. Nothing new or serious though.  It just made me feel a little weak and tired.  I did what I could and accomplished a few things (yeah me).  Missed doing a few others and felt bad about it but I was in no shape of taking them on at that point.  I had some things on my minds too, things I can barely think about without crying, things that I worry about even though it's not MY particular problem.  That is one thing I do as a depressed person, I worry a lot.  When I don't get things done the way I planned it out, I get upset.  It feels as though I let myself down and others down too.  Shit, it sometimes feel like I let the whole f'ing world down!  That is how heavy and awful the feeling of not doing something I, me, Kathy set out to do and didn't.  It is paralyzing sometimes to me.  I feel like a failure - plain and simple.
I climbed into bed (not a good sign when Kathy climbs into bed in daylight--it could be days before she gets out of it).  My husband came in and gave me a pep talk which helped.  I took some deep breaths and focused on not hiding under the covers.  Decided to keep my mind busy then with a purse swap.  I transferred my "stuff" from my old Fossil purse into my new cuter Fossil purse.  (Yes I have a thing for Fossil)  That made me feel better and we got some comfort food for dinner that did not wreak havoc on me!  Finished the night off with a little wine & a movie.  My husband was ready for bed and I wasn't quite there yet. I had to catch up on some dvr'd shows I watch and anyways, my mind was racing about these things that worry me and upset me that can't be really discussed on a public blog.  Also worrying about my son and a school choice for him.  We need to decide for certain soon.  UGH! UGH! (I love Charlie Brown words - my favorite is UGH!)
When my mind races like that it's not good.  It's just not good for me or anyone else I live with.  I turn inward and cry over ANYTHING!  I feel like all I do is wrong.  It's a horrible horrible feeling but I experience it often.  Hopefully soon it will start to be less often.
Today I kind of have a little bit of a hangover (not the alcoholic kind) from yesterday.  Feeling a little sad. Don't really want to do anything today.  I also have this thing called costochondritis which makes under my breast and chest wall hurt so I am resting today and I think that is the best thing I can do today for myself.  Just rest and breath and try to relax.  I will try!  

Something I Saw On 30 Rock

If you watch the show you might know that is the character Kathy Geiss - the very unattractive, strange daughter of the former head of NBC.  It's good to find somewhere calming to go, but putting your head in a box is not recommended!

So I've been up since 430am because of my dog needing to go out early today (usually he is a 630-7am dog).  Now (930a) the little ba$t@rd is sleeping.  Needed to put on my artificial natural light (a little oxymoron there) or is it natural artificial light?  Hmmm....   However I did get a little work done for the PTA - big dinner in Feb. for Teachers Conference time.  I am in charge of that too so my theme is "4th of July in February".  I now have some letters to deliver to local businesses to ask for donation for our school.  Hopefully I can get a few to give us free stuff.
I do have my to-do list for this week set up to end next Friday.  There is a lot on there so I hope to get it all done by then but there are a few things that can wait if I can't do them.  I try to prioritize my lists.  I used to be excellent at doing this.  It started about 20 years ago after my first major depressive episode that included a "taking of many pills" (I'll talk about this at another time).  I was a sophomore in college living with some ladies that are my best friends today (you know who you are).  Because of the pill incident I was made to go to counseling with a psychiatrist at the university.  He was a nice guy.  Listened to me and gave me great advice.  His best advice was...MAKE A TO-DO LIST EVERY WEEK!  (also, guys are often unreliable...haha...he did say that though).  I try my best to sometimes it's just a to-do list for the day or a couple days.  In the past I have even included my son's and husband's names on it!
I do feel like I accomplish something when I check or scribble off the "do".  I prefer to use paper too and write in my own handwriting that few can decipher : ).  I could put it in my iPhone and hit delete when I'm done but I am still a paper person - have a calendar and always had appointment books.  I also prefer books to kindle or ibooks.  (No I've never tried a kindle or ibook device so I don't know how cool they are)  I just like the feel of a book in my hand.  Paper person.  I recycle though.

This is my 5th entry I think and I am liking this so far.  I do wish they had an auto correct especially for my capitalizing.  Never thought I'd wish for auto correct.  If they do have it and someone know it I hope you direct me to where to turn it ON.

I hope those reading these posts find them a tiny bit funny-- when I can do funny and helpful or insightful at the very least.  Also, I hope you don't judge.  That's not my point of being on here. Writing the personal things I am makes me very nervous.  But thank you anyways!

Psychic Ability?

Had a busy day today - well woman visit - (woo hoo, not).  Had so much to do after I had to make a list.  List-making is good at least it is for me.  It is really good for me when i check stuff off.  I feel that "AHHHH, I finished something today"  Today was also mailbox goody day for the teaching staff.  I am in charge of this so this month was healthy month so everyone got sunflower seeds!  They seemed to like them.
 Headed on over to the animal shelter to drop off old towels cuz after 10 years of marriage we slowly replaced the ones we got as wedding presents.  ***If you ever replace your towels donate them to your local animal rescue shelter - they can use them!! ***  I also donated some kitty and doggy food so i got to go visit them.  They were all so cute! a few kittens and surprising 2 pups amongst the animals there but not too many.  When we got Reggie there, there was a ton of both cats and dogs. There was a women there just playing in a room with the cats -- she was a volunteer!  So i got an idea - maybe i could volunteer there too!!  I am on the call list - they only require 4 hours a month - i think i could handle that.  I know I have 2 sweet cats and a lovey dovey (sometimes crazy) dog but these animals have nobody.  I hope it works out.
Then I headed to the mall and picked up some Giants NFC champs gear for my husband and I.  On my way out they had a booth for a psychic.  So I decided to get my palms and tarot cards read.  I've had it done before but not in almost 14 yrs so I wanted to see what has changed.  The woman was very nice and  told me something funny right off the bat - she said " you have great writing ability that you need to put to use so others can find you and read your words"  HA!  So she had my attention.  She said some things i totally didn't get but also stuff that made complete sense that she couldn't have know.  I was there for an HOUR.  I had questions, she had questions.  She gave me her card and said if i had anymore questions I can call her.  She was very down to earth, a Christian too (we followers of Christ are supposed to think of tarot card reading as black magic or something).  Really liked her and she kind of made my day.
The one things she affirmed that every psychic has told me is that i have a sixth sense.   I was like "I know but I just can't figure the things I see or feel sometimes".  Don't misunderstand, I am not psychic I just sense things - maybe intuitive is a better word to describe me.  Don't want any of the readers to think I have a crystal ball or something LOL!
It was a good day - accomplished a lot and got my hair done!  My next post will go into my to-do lists and how they help me feel ok about myself.  But I must sleep now!

Powering Through It...

Woke up this morning after a restless night of sleep even though I'm on sleeping pills (guess I have to up that dosage).  Got Little Man ready for school and was doing ok until my guys left for work and school.  Not happy with my scale so no WW today.  Don't know what happened in a week with that thing!?  Hope I just need a new battery!  Started worrying about stuff and thinking about other stuff and that is never a good combo with me.  I felt like screaming so I did - into a pillow so not to scare the dog and cats.  Then of course the tears came--violent and hard.  I thought about just crawling back into bed.  I talked my self out of it though - one small victory for today!!  I had more coffee and realized my morning was now free.  My very loving sweet dog Reggie really needed a walk after all the ice we had.  So I talked myself into that.  I put on my sweats and grabbed his leash and off we went - a 45 minute walk in a warm sun!  It did feel good. Although I didn't realize how much my dog likes running through mud and puddles.  He was a muddy mess when we got home.  Wiped him down and now he'll be sleepy for a few hours while I go to see Dr. Shrink and Therapist Shrink.  Dr. Shrink will hopefully help me with my sleeping dosage and I obviously have some things to get out in therapy session today.  I will focus on probably 2 things but maybe go back to another something that I was trying to heal since last summer!!  More on that subject another time.

Foggy Day Off

Keeping busy is very helpful for me.  It occupies my mind and that is exactly what I need.  I have my little guy home with me so we are going to keep busy today with a trip to the Lego store.

My cocktail of meds was changed a little last week and the new med that was added is working well --- it is Abilify, the commercial is a cartoon lady with the gray robe stalking her.  I still feel drained from the past month and had a "mixed emotions day" yesterday (one of the reasons I started this yesterday).  But, after tasty Mexican food, good beer, a Giants win & quality time with my husband (my biggest supporter) it turned out to be a good day and night!

Only the beginning...

So... I have suffered from severe depression for about 20 years but was only fortunate enough to find the right doctors and therapists in the past 3 years. I am on a cocktail of meds and I see a therapist almost weekly for over 2 years now.  


 I am starting this blog with the hopes that:

• Writing here will help me and be a little therapeutic
• Maybe others that suffer from depression or another "invisible" illness may find comfort reading and posting on this blog
• Hope to make people aware that depression is an illness  (it took me years to figure that out) and the stigma that accompanies mental illnesses is terrible and needs to be defeated.
• Maybe I can help others that might be suffering now realize they CAN get help and it CAN be treated!!

I will try to post as much as possible but I just wanted to start this today.   I just went through a horrific "episode"  and I need to look for ways to GET OUT THE BAD FEELINGS!!

Thank you for reading my 1st blog post.