I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: On the brink...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: On the brink...: I've prayed hard for things in life and it seems every time I do pray really hard, it ends up bad...like today, last week, sometime ago and ...

On the brink...

I've prayed hard for things in life and it seems every time I do pray really hard, it ends up bad...like today, last week, sometime ago and so on.  I'm giving up on a lot as of now.  Tonight.

 I am angry at my god.  I am angry at the rest of the f'ing world.  I fight and fight and fight this disease this curse and yet it takes just a few words to bring me back down no matter how relaxed I felt this weekend; no matter how happy and proud I was of my son tonight.  The pile of crap just keeps coming.

My parents have been through a mini hell the past 2 years.  My brothers is in a big hell now.  Other family and friends have their own ups and downs the past few years too.  My husband, the good honest man--wonderful man to put up with me-- has been diagnosed with a disease there is no cure for and that no one really understands completely.   Over the next few weeks, I have to explain to an sweet little 8 year old things I don't understand one bit!!  No amount of meds, therapy, prayers can help me there.  I can only be strong for him and my husband, but I am finding it hard to be strong enough to get out of bed, to exercise, to be somewhat human.

 No idea how I am going to sleep tonight.  No idea how I am going to get through tomorrow or the next day and so on.  I felt so tired yesterday and slept and slept now I realize I was probably covering myself for the next few nights.  Yes I have sleeping pills and pills to relax me but I want nothing to do with them tonight.  I actually want to feel for a change.  Sometimes the meds are good and sometimes they are not.   I don't want to feel numb and sleepy tonight, I want to FEEL!  Yes I want to feel the hurt, disgust, and pain.  If I don't, it will probably just come back to haunt me later.


So much has happened over the past few years, so much bad news.  I don't know when it will stop but I know I can't take anymore.   I guess I will just wait until the next bomb to drop...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Yesterday, all troubles seemed so far away...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Yesterday, all troubles seemed so far away...: A few weeks ago my husband went to the doctor for a checkup.  He has been having tremors in his hand and leg.  The doctor gave him a few tes...

Yesterday, all troubles seemed so far away...

A few weeks ago my husband went to the doctor for a checkup.  He has been having tremors in his hand and leg.  The doctor gave him a few tests and recommended and MRI.  The MRI came back clean.  However, he was referred to a neurologist.  I tagged along with him to the neurologist's office yesterday.  He went through more tests and the doctor thoroughly checked him out.  We both thought he did great on his tests but when the neurologist returned for the final verdict, he told us that my husband has Parkinson's.  My husband is 45.

To say we were shocked is an understatement.  After we heard the MRI showed nothing but a healthy brain, we thought he was in the clear.  Parkinson's doesn't show up on and MRI nor in a blood test; it is done in an evaluation by a neurologist.  My husband has been referred to a specialist in Parkinson's.  I feel good about the recommendation of this doctor because he comes highly recommended by a few different people besides the neurologist.  This special Parkinson's doctor is described as brilliant and one of the best in this type of disease.

We are going to face this head on. We'll do whatever we can to prevent further symptoms, worse symptoms.  Parkinson's is a chemical imbalance in the brain, like depression.  I joked with him that we both have chemically imbalanced brains.  We have also joked as to who will put my bracelets and necklaces on because my hands shake from my meds and familial tremors and his one hand already has tremors in it...have to start training my son (LOL!).

We will fight this fight together.  I will help him fight his as he has helped and will continue to help me fight mine.

I'll keep my readers updated and this blog may become more than what it is now or maybe I'll expand and do another blog too.  In the meantime, we will take it day by day.  If you want to learn more about PArkinson's as I have been doing, go to TeamFox.org - Michael J. Fox's website.  It's full of info and insight.

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Spring Has Sprung

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Spring Has Sprung

Spring Has Sprung

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Sun came out...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Sun came out...: After a very crappy morning which included me crying on my WW leader's shoulder, the sun came out in the afternoon.  I went out and tried to...

Sun came out...

After a very crappy morning which included me crying on my WW leader's shoulder, the sun came out in the afternoon.  I went out and tried to catch the late sun shining on the forsythia and get the few magnolia flowers left on the tree in my front yard.  A very good friend called and what is better than hearing the voice of an old friend?  So, it didn't turn out to bad of a day, just a not so great one.

Here's to sun and old friends and hopefully a good night's sleep later...

Sun, Where are you?

Second day in a row with no sun in the morning.  I think everyone in my house is cranky including the dog.  It really makes a difference when the sun is shining vs. this crappy weather.  Later I have to head to Weight Watchers and probably get some not so exciting news (I already peeked at my pounds today - not great news).  Got to keep going although some days seem harder lately.  Just can't wait until the end of the week!  I'm going to see my bestest friends from college!  Friday can't get here soon enough!

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Nerves....

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Nerves....: I have lots of raw nerves going on in my head, body, fingers, everywhere currently.  I get nervous over everything.  I am nervous even writi...

Nerves....

I have lots of raw nerves going on in my head, body, fingers, everywhere currently.  I get nervous over everything.  I am nervous even writing this blog.  I am putting so much out there on this blog.  People I don't know or hardly know read this.  When I think about it it kind of scares me.  I get all these hits ever time I post and I only have 12 followers & I know all of them.  I average 25 hits or so so who know who the others are.  I just appreciate that they read it.  It makes me nervous to know somewhere people who don't know me may judge me, but that is a whole other blog post.
 
   In the meantime....
   I'm nervous about a lot of things this week, but also excited.  Until I get to my destination this week, my nerves will be better and hopefully calmer.  I can't understand that I have this foreboding feeling something is going to go wrong.  I try SO HARD to think positively; to think all will be OK.  I am trying to do that now but it is hardly working.  Any advice any input would be appreciated...anyone... anyone....
 
 There is just so much negativity that has occurred throughout my life - lately it is only the norm = negative.  I have turned from a realist into a pessimist or maybe I've been a pessimist all along just trying to convince myself I wasn't.  Thankfully I have support.  I'll be needing it a lot this week.   God, prove me wrong! I pray for a good week for a change!

I thought this was funny -

http://www.theonion.com/articles/still-some-nutella-left-in-jar-reports-depression,27635/

Can't sleep Clown's gonna eat me, cant sleep, clown's gonna eat me....

--That is a line from a Simpsons' episode. Not a fan of clowns either. Fell asleep for a while now up in real time middle of the night for a 7am to 1130pm lady.
   I'm listening to Irish music on this St. Paddy's day.  I was having a pretty good day and then some sh#t hit the fan.  Received some troubling news and it sent me into a minor spiral.  I composed myself and went on.  I was ok for our night out at dinner.  When I got home I realized I made a big mistake in a travel plan and had to fix it.  Because of the previous hours undoing, I did not handle it well.  I am forgetful lately a lot due to my head problems.  I also do not have the eyes I used to.  I feel like I should ask someone to proof everything I do.   My husband says it was just  simple mistake but I notice these mistakes more and more.  I must press on though and be a little stronger.  Sometimes I try so hard but get derailed anyways.
Well...
  Happy St Patrick's day to my Irish and non Irish readers. Take care and just be a positive soul!

March Madness...

I'm discovering that LIFE can be a good pill.  It's March Madness for College Basketball in case you didn't know.  This week, the conference tournaments are happening everywhere and have been exciting in the Big East so far (the current home of  my SU Orange'men'...as I still think of them).  March Madness is so exciting and mind engaging.  I fill out my brackets, get excited over teams I hardly know.  It's fun for me.  I wish it could last longer.  Have you seen the Buffalo Wild Wings commercials?  They ask the question. "What month would you trade for more March Madness?"  Just ask me - January - too cold, lonely, sad.  Seems to be the height of my SAD disorder (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  Seems like January is the lowest time for me.  Just REALLY discovered it this year.  I need to do more next January to prevent it but sometimes a person just can't.  At least, FINALLY I realized how bad it was this year and hope to avoid it as like it hit me this year which was severely.

My advice today - live like March Madness - unpredictable, free, wild, and a winner!  I certainly will try to do this!!!

Busy weeks so far but improving...

Monday started my week out crappily (is this a word?).  However, it has improved a little bit.   Getting back to the gym, lots of errands and events happening.  My school event is next week and I am preparing for that now.  My son is a busy little man 3 evenings a week with his after school activities.  Tonight we had a few of those going on all at once so we were spread a little thin tonight especially since dad had important business meetings.  Finally got a decent nights sleep last night so that has made life a little easier today.
I know I have stated this in my blog entries several times but keeping my mind and body busy is important for me.  If I don't personally keep busy, my mind wanders, I start thinking "If only", and of course I get a case of the "Coulda, Shoulda, Wouldas".  These ultimately lead to a spiraling and sadness sets in and then DOOM!  I have to keep myself going everyday.  I have to occupy my mind and do it with something that will keep my attention.    I can see how depressed people can become OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).  Tonight I was bored and have my house in order and cleaned!  (Thanks to my husband for helping me out)  I was trying to fill my time and started setting clothes out for tomorrow, sorting laundry, prepped the coffee, fed all my pets, fluffed pillows, etc.  I then started to set out all of what I will need for tomorrow.  When I got through with it I thought, "What am I doing?"  I need to just sit and relax.  I can't get into that habit now.  I like to make my TO DO: lists for the week and stick to those but setting out everything I need for the next day down to hat, keys, sunglasses - that is too much for me.
I realized I need to keep busy but also take time to sit and relax at the end of the day.  Put my feet up and just chill.  We all should do that.  I think we take our busy lives too seriously and I recommend loungin' in the evening.  It helped me FINALLY wind down tonight and I think it will help you too!!

(Woodchuck cider is also helping me unwind right now.......)

Today sucked.

That about says it all in the title.  It was a Monday so what did I expect?  Felt sick and achey all day, very gloomy and my Irish temper was short.  Slept lousy. Up early.  Don't have much else to say.  Some days no amount of meds or exercise work...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Every little thing is going to be alright?....

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Every little thing is going to be alright?....: My procedure was successful. I have a long and twisted colon or a tortuous colon ( funny name )- how does that spice up your Friday night? ...

Every little thing is going to be alright?....

My procedure was successful.  I have a long and twisted colon or a tortuous colon (funny name)- how does that spice up your Friday night?  That accounts for my problems and I was told to eat more fiber. Ok.  I'll try but I am not a big veggie eater and I prefer summer fruits.  I do have my bottle of Benefiber though --- take that veggies!

No news is good news I hope.  On all of the other fronts of my life no new news on anything pressing.  Makes me have this kind of uncomfortable comfort if that is at all possible.  I felt this so much I relaxed today and pampered myself a bit with a mani/pedi.  They always make me feel great.  The massage chair at the place was friggin' awesome.  Almost felt like a real person massaging me which is sort of creepy when you think about it.  I caught a quick sale at Macy's and updated my makeup a bit. I do take time every now and then, as we ALL should, to pamper myself.  This leads me to something I may have a new addiction to - shopping!
It makes me feel better and that is what I am supposed to be doing - feeling better.  However, lately if I see a sale I am all over it.  I have lost over 40 pounds (and I'm still losing) in the last year so I do need new clothes.  That is my main excuse but I can't resist looking and trying on new things.  I never liked shopping before.  I never had enough money or I was sort of forced to do it with my grandmother and mother when I was young and I wasn't allowed to pick out anything for myself.  They did all the choosing.  I hated that!  I get to do the choosing now! I fit into a size I am happy with so I have more choices than I have had over the past years.  Shopping also make me feel good.  Lifts my spirits though sometimes I do have that buyer's remorse but I get a loving word from my husband and it passes ; ].

I hope this blog doesn't sound too shallow.  I'm not a material person at all! Believe me never have and never will be.   I just see things a little differently these days and this shopping thing is something I am liking.  Takes my mind off a lot of the bothersome things.