I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Challenges...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Challenges...: The challenging year of 2011 continues into 2012. If I could tell you all of the things that have happened over the past 2 years related to...

Challenges...

The challenging year of 2011 continues into 2012.  If I could tell you all of the things that have happened over the past 2 years related to family and/or friends - you would be astonished!  I guess that is why I am on so many meds... LOL!  There are a few new challenges related directly to me but I am hoping one is a phase and the other turns out to be nothing.  I am hoping for the best possible outcomes - that is something very positive and a little different for me.  I am learning to LET GO of the other stuff I can't control with lots of help and advice from friends and family.  I am just realizing I can't do anything about these things and they do not affect me directly.

That brings me to my vent today.  Something that does affect me (I sure hope I am using affect correctly. That was my last writing lesson - if some English major is reading this, let me know).

I had to do a bland diet yesterday and today I am on clear liquids - NO SOLID FOOD! UGH!!   Tomorrow I will have my second attempt at a colonoscopy (yep -- yuck).  I am hungry already and could go for some french toast and turkey sausage with some chocolate milk but that will have to wait for another day. I have some well, you know, problems so I have to do a 2 day "cleanse" - that is what I am calling it because that is what the celebrities call these things.  The first time I had it was a failure because I was so well, you know, that I did not have a clean enough colon (hope no one is grossed out I am talking about this but sooner or later YOU will have to have one too - 50 is not too far down the road for some of us).    My doctor recommended a 2 day cleanse - a year and a half ago.   Yes, I was chicken to reschedule because it is not fun!  So here I am trying it again and praying it works tomorrow.  The prep is not the most pleasant thing, but I can drink all the sprite I want to today! Oh, and eat all the beef broth I want too!  (OK, beef broth isn't that exciting).

So, my body is making all these weird noises but I am feeling a little confident that this time it will work.  I just want a normal digestive system is that so wrong?  Most everything else about me is abnormal so how about this one little thing?  Hopefully the doctor will figure out what is making me, well, you know.

Thanks for reading if you continued to.  While I was writing earlier I got a speck of good news so something positive happened on this Leap Day...

Mondays - the most hated day of the week...

As I was putting my 8 year old to bed tonight he told me he "hates" Mondays.  The weekend is over and nothing "fun" happens for him in school.  He also said the only time he likes Mondays are when he has the day off.  I agree with him completely.

He has discovered this and made his firm statement tonight - He hates Mondays!  I asked him why he doesn't like them and he said because he doesn't have art or phys-ed on Monday - his favorite subjects.  OK.  Different reasons than me but he has his priorities straight.

I've mentioned this before- I get down on Mondays because of my empty house.  There is usually some buzz happening in the house on the weekend or people are visiting or we are visiting someplace or someone.  My son doesn't have anything exciting going on in school on Mondays.  Hmmm...different, but similar.  I made it through this Monday even though I wanted to go back to bed, not because I felt down but because I felt so tired.  These weird days - 67 degrees in Maryland today - (only 40's and windy on the weekend) has my brain mixed up a bit.  Just extra tired these days but maybe it's because it was only a Monday....

Good genes...

Ah, what an up and down week.  Busy for me- again, best when I keep busy - but not the greatest of weeks .  Got good news, bad news and no news.  Drove myself nutty over almost nothing and worried about something I never thought I'd worry about.

Haven't felt much like writing, just taking stuff in.

Looks like lots of happenings in the next week again.  Big day for my boy on Sunday - Hope things go well.  If they don't his heart may be a little sad but we'll get through it.  It's the boy scouts pinewood derby car race.  Last year he came in first in his den!  I know he now wants to win every year.  He has to get used to losing - no one wins all the time, not even the Yankees LOL :)  I'm afraid of he will be greatly disappointed and sad if . He is such a sensitive boy, much like me and even his dad when we were his age.

Sensitivity - it can be interpreted in so many ways - shy, moody, sad, depressed, emotional, silly, crazy, scared.  I'm sure there is more.  I can speak to these stereotypes because I have been there.  The worst is when you are sad, depressed over sensitive and people think, or even have the balls to call you CRAZY!  That is the worst by far.  I have been called that in the past. Because of that, I have thought that I was and was afraid to admit I was depressed or sad or down because of how others judged.  It took me almost 2 decades to find the right help and for me to realize I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  It's a combination of things that happened in my past and things that occurred in my surrounding through the years added to my state of mind.


So, since I have lots of experience in the depression world I can help my sensitive boy NOT to become like me. And if he does get down at times, I will know how to lift his spirits.   I can tell him what to avoid.  I've already been teaching him about getting sunlight and brushing things off (Brush that dirt off your shoulder - thanks JayZ - I sing that in my head a lot).  I get so worried he is going to wind up like me - depressed as a teen and a young adult.  I am doing everything I can to try to help him avoid this but it is a disease and it is hereditary.  Just hope he got the good genes when it comes to this thing!

BLAH!!!!

I am so tempted to go back and lay down and veg out for a while.  My dog is at the pet hotel for a few more hours so I don't have to worry about walking him and letting him in and out of the back door.   Trying so hard to fight the temptation of missing out on a nice day maybe even utilize the digital camera at the lake.  God! Give me some strength to do this!!  Don't let me regret missing this sunny Tuesday.

I have a case of the BLAHs I'm trying to fight off.  It is not easy any day to do this but particularly fighting it off today is more difficult.  I  mentioned those morning blues in the previous post.  They are sinking in heavily today.  (trying to find some more upbeat songs on the ipod).  OK I need a little extra something today.  Don't know what that is but I'm going to get dressed and look for it.  God Damn....I hate these type of days!!!

Monday morning blues (or in this case Tuesday...)

Monday (or any day after a long weekend ends),  it is hard to face the loneliness I feel when it's over.   I hate (seriously hate) after spending a weekend with family and friends the separation of me from all of "that".  I had a really terrific weekend visiting friends and family, watching my son and husband smile and laugh along with me and others.  It really was fun, no down times, no sad times, just lots of visits with people I haven't seen in a while, sharing stories, catching up.

So husband and son left for work and school and I am here alone with the cats.  Put on some music to fill the silence and I still feel a familiar queasiness, unsteadiness.  So put it all together -- I get lonely.  I miss the "excitement" of having people I love and care about around me.  Sometimes it is overwhelming, but not necessarily in a bad way.   Sometimes my family can be a bit much - they are loud, talkative, opinionated, but most of all we all seem to love or at least like each other most of the time.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't miss living back "home".  My husband and I live a good healthy distance from our parents and most of our family members.  They can drive to see us but can't do a "pop-in" when we least expect it.  We both like it that way.

This is a recurring topic in my therapy sessions.  Why do I feel so lonely after a good weekend or even any weekend?  Do I need more friends? (not particularly) Do I need to get a job outside the home? (maybe, we'll see, but I think I'd rather work in the home).  I think that I just like having the right people around me.  Whether the right people are family and friends or some acquaintances, or even no one, it depends on the day.  Believe me there are days when I don't want anyone around me but those days never seem to be after a good weekend.

Mondays - almost always have a way of bringin' me down.

Looong week!

Still feeling tired from this week's activities.  Spent most of it prepping for the teacher's conference dinner at school last night.  I am in charge of organizing dinners, lunches and special treats for the teachers  throughout the year.  I am the Hospitality Committee and yes, I pretty much do this alone.  My consultant is my husband and I run ideas past a few others involved with the PTA for some extra input and advice.
 
For each dinner or "goody day", I have to send emails to families asking for food and drink donations as well as help with set up and clean up for the events.  These emails are starting to sound more and more like begging.  Lots of fundraisers and other activities are going on with the school, so I think people just get tired out from it and not everyone likes to cook and bake -- this includes me.  But onward I go trying new dishes or asking for gift cards from local business to fill our tables.

The theme for this conference was "4th of July in February" - all done by me.  We did a cookout with my husband at the grill and got donations of sides from many local BBQ type eateries and a few generous families.  It seemed to be a big success!  I got lots of compliments after and still received some today as I walked the halls of school heading to my own son's conference with his 2nd grade teacher.  It felt good even though it is almost impossible for me to take a compliment.  I am shy and usually don't like receiving them.  This, along with my depression mean I really really wonder IF if did a good job, IF the staff really liked it, IF the food and presentation was good enough, IF IF IF!!!

 I doubt myself and talk myself into believing, "Oh, well it was just ok." or  "Someone or something else must have made it better or could have made it better."  Honestly, this self-doubt goes for just about anything.  My husband tells me I look good - doubt it. Someone likes my sweater - Really??  I need to change this but having been this way my whole life it's going to take some time.  Just part of my new journey I guess.

Calm or craziness?

The next few days are going to be hectic around me.  Don't worry.  Sometimes HECTIC days and weeks are better for me - they keep my mind occupied and my head and body busy.  I have the big teacher conference dinner which I've been planning for months and today my son is home sick.  Tomorrow is Valentines day. All Valentines that needed to be mailed to grandparents and uncle and aunts and niece are out!  Now I have to get my son to fill his in for the class and his teachers.  I have a couple of appointments I have to be at throughout the week and there is some things happening on my family's front that could be absolutely good or absolutely devastating.  I pick the good! Who knows?  Things may not change at all.  I just hope a little bit of good news comes through soon!

At the end of the week I am traveling back to my hometown.  I haven't been there in a while... since August I believe.  This will coincide with the news from our family that I can't really discuss but I am hoping for a good weekend and not one filled and taken over by tears and hurt and fear of unknown.  I have lots to keep me busy when I am up there.  I have a new baby to see, a new restaurant to check out and a lot of people to visit with.  One thing that still bothers me when I go back to my hometown is that I looked forward to and treasured the little visits with my Nana.  I loved to go up to her little house and just sit with her.  She always had a way of making me feel at ease and forgetting all the other problems in the world, well, ok just in my world at least.  It still pains me when I think of going back there and not being able to see her.  I hope to at least get up to see her stone at the cemetery.  I definitely need a visit up there to see Nana and Pop.  Maybe even swing down to see Gram and Pop too.  My grandparents were always and still seem to be great calming and comforts to me.  I miss all of them terribly, but it was Nana--something about those Saturday afternoon visits with her where she was usually watching Lifetime movies--that made me feel better.   My troubles would seem to go away.   She made me feel good about myself!

Here is to this week with the hope of things going smoothly, weather cooperating, inklings of good news and driving safely!  Cheers!

Just thought of something...

I hope Elton John doesn't sue me or something but this is one of my favorite songs by him and the blues are such a simple but clever way to describe when one is feeling down.  But, that would mean he read my blog which would be pretty amazing!  Still, I hope he doesn't sue me...  : )

Let There Be Light...

In my next house (if that ever happens) I want my bedroom to face East and have large windows in it -- maybe even a skylight!  Now my bedroom faces West and has one small square-ish window.  I get plenty of light from the sun in the late afternoon, but not when i really need it which is in the morning.   Did you know how important getting some sunlight is?  I never knew until about the past 5 years or so.  I know all about getting too much sun from my past sunburns on my Irish skin, but the sun CAN be good for you in moderation.
Vitamin D!  It is a pro hormone not really a vitamin.  It helps with the absorption of other vitamins and the functions of several of our body parts.  It even helps prevent diseases and in my case it helps with depression and SAD.  That is why SAD exists because of the lack of sun in the late fall and wintertime.
Sunlight also helps wake you up and keep you up.  Who feels bad when the suns rays are shining on their face?  It helps with our circadian rhythm (24 hour clock) so our hormones and body functions properly.  Since I am not a scientist and don't want to get facts mixed up,you can find out more details here: http://www.nigms.nih.gov/Education/Factsheet_CircadianRhythms.htm .

A few years ago my psychiatrist suggested getting a sun lamp to use during the winter time.  I ordered it from Amazon - not too expensive (@$40). Smaller than an iPad but larger than an iTouch.  I just glance at it for about 15-20 minutes in the mornings before the sun comes up or on cloudy days.  I'm usually checking email or watching the Today show when I'm doing this - before my son is up.  He likes to take the lamp and shine it everywhere and sometimes stares at it (not recommended) so I started doing it before he gets up.  LOL!  I sincerely think it helps me.  Not the same as natural sunlight but a good substitute for it.

When the sun does come up and out and after husband is off to work and son off to school, I found the perfect place to catch some rays in my house.  I sit on the floor or the couch where the sun is beaming in through my large bow window and just soak up those morning rays.  It feels so warm and energizing to me!  I sometimes close my eyes and meditate or say a little prayer while sitting there.

I was never a big fan of the sun because of all the freckles I have, all the sunburns I've suffered but I have now lovingly embraced my freckles as Irish beauty marks as my Nana called them.  And I ALWAYS USE SUNSCREEN - as you all should!  I discovered the sun is my friend.  That big star helps me out some days.  It helps me feel happy and guess what, no co-pay - it's FREE!

I didn't go into all the benefits of the sun in my writing today but here is another link I recommend.  It lays out all the star's benefits...
http://onlineradiologytechnicianschools.com/2010/feeling-sunny-25-health-benefits-of-sensible-sun-exposure/

Mental Health Days...

Back in the day when I was working in the bustling TV research industry, every now and then I'd just need a break from it all.  I'm sure anyone reading has had those days when they just can't deal with anything or anyone.   You just want to crawl back into bed and make up for all the sleep you have been missing, then turn on the TV or some music and just veg out for the rest of the day.  That's a mental health day!  I still need them even though I don't work outside of my home.  I just need a break from it all every now and then.  I don't think it is wrong to take days like this off or put things aside that can be done at another time to kind of collect yourself, rest and regroup the next day or later that day.

With me, I have a diagnosed illness, so these mental health days are/were literal.  However, I don't think you have to have a diagnosis to take a mental health break.  Everyone out there working from home, working outside the home and even people like me - stay at-home parents need a break every now and then.  I've read and experienced first and second hand the cutback of sick days within businesses and companies.  Some only give 5 sick days, others 7 or 10, some a big fat ZERO!  Meanwhile workers in other countries get unlimited sick days and more vacation days than any American worker can think of doing something with!  There are some businesses even shut down in the early afternoon so workers can rest and be more productive later.  (I am a big believer in NAPS - they really do refresh a body!)


I know there are some American companies that are generous with sick and vacation days, but not enough.  I truly believe that if workers in this country could take more mental health days or just breaks, then I think they would be more productive, businesses would run smoother and people might actually enjoy their jobs a little more!  I know that it works for me now.  Maybe it might help those that feel the blues, S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) or mild to moderate depression, as well as other "invisible illnesses". (I'm not a doctor or scientist so I have no data to base this on, just a hunch.)

So next time you really feel run down and just can't deal, maybe a mental health day is for you!  I think we all need more of these!

'Cause I gotta have faith...??!!

I am trying to rediscover my faith.  I've been praying a lot lately -- for me and for others.  My son is taking religion classes and may attend private catholic school next year so I want to help him understand that I believe in God too and need his help too.  He is also learning though, not everyone believes the same things or in the same God or even some people believe in no God and it is all ok to do.  I never had a lot of that growing up.  I knew there were different religions but I think it was beat into my head thru school and family that Catholic is best!! :)

I discovered later that no religions are the best.  I follow the teaching of Christ but I also like to hear what Buddha says as well as the Dalai Lama.  Let's also not forget that Judaism is the roots of Christianity.   I love that I am a Scorpio and have its traits abundant in me, I just saw a psychic and I think nature has a lot to teach us too.  

I went to mass on Saturday.  We chose to go to the 530pm service.  It was being celebrated by a Franciscan priest.  Honestly, I hadn't been to church since Christmas and before that probably summertime?  Yep, not a good churchgoer  Anyways, the first reading was Job.  Fitting.  Second reading was about Jesus helping Simon Peter's mother and how her "sickness" was seen by others as strange and a weakness.  The Psalm and Gospel also had hopeless, depressed themes.  Hmmmmm.  Then came the priests homily or sermon.  It was perfect for me.   Talked about depression, hopelessness, anhedonia.  It was like "I was meant to be at this particular mass!"  I thanked the priest after.  He was very nice.  My church is a little on the more progressive side of catholic churches, at least that is my opinion.  Yes, they still follow the teachings they should and preach what they have to but they seem to leave a little room for discussion.  They definitely DON'T try to shove it down your throat that all they say it true and if you don't believe it you will go to hell.  That is how I sometimes felt growing up in catholic school and going to church and even with some family, my stricter elders in particular.  

So I felt a little fate playing there.  We hadn't all been to church as a family in a while, I need some spiritual peace and the readings, songs and sermon were all on things directly and deeply affecting my family and me.  Go figure.   

Can't sleep...

I've been up since approximately 230am.  It's now going for 6am.  No idea why I'm awake.  I didn't take my sleeping pill because I was drinking cider and a little champagne while watching the Giants beat the Patriots (YEAH BIG BLUE!!) and I didn't want to wind up like Demi or something...But I went to bed and fell asleep almost instantly. Then something woke me, don't know what.  And, here I sit.
Sunday, well, it wasn't a good day.  I felt sad and down, most of all, alone.  You can't take words back.  When you say things in anger or just out of sheer stupidity you can't take them back.  I guess I was also feeling guilty of things I said when I was feeling down.  I just don't have a lot of patience lately.  Just ask my husband and son.  They can tell you.  I'm trying but I still feel like I am stuck in the hole.  It is just taking so long and it is so hard to dig out of this.  Situations that seem to knock me back down in the hole or make it seem I've fallen deeper.  I know it will take awhile until I am back to my normal self ---HAHAHA  --actually there is no normal me!  Even when I am at my happiest and healthiest I am a bit NOT normal still but in a good way ; ).....
Yes, Sunday sucked aside from  the football game and seeing my sweet niece. Got some mixed news I wasn't expecting to hear.  I felt jittery all day like something, somewhere was wrong.   Not sure how to describe it.  I had that little bit of a feeling that my head was not attached to my body again.  It wasn't as severe as it was before.   It was just there a little bit.  To sum it up - very anxious!  High Anxiety!

 It is supposed to be a couple beautiful days here so that means sun and walks.  I'm hoping that helps me out in this week.  I think I might need a little help this week from some natural forces -- Mama Nature.

Love is not a cure, but it is a good distraction.

Years ago, after the first date I had with my husband, I remember waking up the next day and feeling like colors were brighter, things were clearer.  (Seriously! I did!! ) I fell in love with him almost instantly after that first date.  We had that "honeymoon" high for a few months and then, it wore off.  Now this also coincided with a SAD time of year (seasonal affective disorder) so that probably had something to do with it too.  I remember speaking to one of my friends and saying, "He is not the universal remedy. He can't cure me".  I still felt insecure, worried, down.  The walls that my past and present had built around me were still standing strong and firm. He did help break them down to get to the real me.  I have no idea how he had the patience and time to do that.
 My husband can be the most helpful, understanding, loving person, and then, sometimes he can't.  Yep, usually it's my fault when he is the opposite. I realized long ago he can't cure me.  He is sometimes like one of the pills I take... helps for a long time, but then we have our struggles.    I just hope he will always be my pill because most of the time the pill helps and works.  

Friday. It was a good day.

I was busy today.  Busy is good for me.  Walked the dog around the lake, did some PTA and community business.  A little shopping for the big Super Bowl.  Actually found some NY Football Giant balloons and some generic super bowl plates and cups.  Excited for Sunday!  I also registered for an online writing course!!!!!! -- it will help with my internet and blog writing skills.  The way it is described seem like it is a good fit for me.
 Things are OK today.  I dressed up a little... at least for me.  Sweater dress, knee high boots and fishnet stocking-- but, not the slutty kind.  I feel a little better when I dress up a little.  Most of the time I am in sweats and a t -shirt or sweatshirt.   To get away from that... makes me feel better.  It's something small and a little dumb, but it means something to me.  I feel a little more confident, especially when I am in my boots cuz we all know - "These Boot Are Made For Walkin""!!

A few things I want to show my thanks for this week.  I try to show thanks for something everyday and this week has been abundant!  Monday was a phone call from my best friend since ...kindergarten.... I believe.  Her words and just hearing her voice made my day and week.  Tuesday I went back to my WW meetings and felt OK about it even tho I was "up".   Need to keep my routine that day.  Wednesday - PTA meeting and lots of other stuff happening - personally thanked for doing a good job at my position --ALONE (kind of how I like it because I have executive power!! HAHAHAHA).....  Anyways, Thursday, walks, no rain, sunny skies, errands that went OK.  Got surprise present in the mail that meant so much to me.  From one of my biggest supporters from a certain New England state that begins with and M..OK narrow it down, Ma... no narrow further... Mai OK, there we go.  Her gifts and note touched me deeply!  So thankful and NEED TO CALL HER SOON!!  Miss her and her family so much as I do my other sweet loving friend in NE in the other Ma state  (xoxoxoxo).   Friday, surprises, a good walk but with a slight asthma annoyance (cold air + walk/running =bad lungs and some hacking--blah).  The boots finally took their toll on me and I needed a rest.  Little man and I received a big box from the - NYC from mom in-law.  Perfect gifts for Lil guy and some WEN for me YEAH!!  For dinner we decided to try to take the little man to a Japanese restaurant we fed him before in case he didn't eat anything.  Ordered some rice and tempura for him but he only at the rice!  He is so impossible to feed!  UGH!  

I am relaxing now and looking forward to doing that all weekend.  Play catch up on phone and emails and do some PTA work too.  Thank you for reading my blog.  I hope I don't bring anyone down too much.  I am thinking about starting a blog (once I get the hang of this) on lighter notes, as Ann Curry and Matt Lauer would say on the Today show (They are always saying "On a lighter note...)  Take care readers.........xoxo

Mental health issues & the black community article...

My husband saw this article on The Grio and posted it.  He has always told me, as other have, that mental illnesses in the black community is taboo.  It is seen as a weakness.  The stigma is much higher amongst African Americans than the public in general.  It is an excellent article weather you are black or not.

http://www.thegrio.com/entertainment/don-cornelius-suicide-should-stir-up-mental-health-debate-in-black-community.php


PS - just a note - My husband is black and we have had THIS particular discussion plenty of times.  When he saw this article he was like ..."FINALLY!"  He want the black community to start talking about this because it does exist.

The ugly, the bad and the worse...

I always assumed that everyone else suffered the blues, mood swings, down days.  That is what I thought my problem was all those years.  I know that almost everyone has had these days and, I just figured I was in many others company.  I never realized how deep and intense my depressive periods were and are.  I still don't understand how others see me when I am suffering even now.  It is really debilitating to me.  I can't get out of bed most days.  I feel sick, not in any specific way, just sick all over.  Sometimes headaches and upset stomach. Sometimes sore muscles.  I want to eat some days.  I don't others.  I cry all day or I sleep.  Sometimes my temper comes out.  I get short with my family and afterward I feel guilty and want to crawl in a hole.  And yes, the hardest to admit sometimes -- I want to crawl into that hole and just die.  I feel like I'm just a burden to everyone.  I feel useless, helpless, loveless.  Alone.

My husband does his best to take care of me but i can see the confusion and sadness in his eyes too.  My son, well, I just think he is confused.   He's only 8 so he can't completely understand. I recently told him that "Mommy has a sickness, but I take medicine to help it and have good doctors to help me.  It is in my head so it is not easy to explain."  He seemed to accept that explanation. One day he will find out.  He'll understand why his mom cried a lot, slept a lot and stayed in bed for days.  He'll understand (maybe) why mommy yelled at him over something small and dumb and broke into tears or why she yelled at him over something stupid and threw a pillow into the couch and went off to bed for the night at 6pm.  My fear? .That he won't understand or worse, suffer from the same disease.  THAT is my biggest fear for my child! That he will get this horrible awful thing and have to go through it.  At least I am here to help him through it though. I certainly hope I can.