Brush your shoulder off...

Did you ever have one of those days when you know you should have just pulled the covers up over your head and stayed in bed?  Doesn't matter what you have planned or who you may see, you just should stay in bed.  I had one of those today.  I just felt like "Nothing is going to go as planned, it's dark and dreary, I have nothing pressing, I need to stay in bed today".  It's a little on the depressing side, I know, but it was needed.  I didn't feel the greatest physically and I slept like crap, so that was not good signs either.  Then, some stuff happened and it made me feel worse.  I just went back to bed then.  I just wanted to be left alone.
With these days, when I just hide from the world, there is a terrible feeling of guilt afterward.  I feel guilty for not being productive, for not exercising, for not being a social human being (I'm not that great at that anyway with my shy personality).  So, I deal with my guilt all day and then at some point decide that the next day I need to get up off my ass and get moving.  That is what I am going to do tomorrow then, get my ass up and get moving.  Two days in bed this week are enough.  Anymore and I will be down that road of doom again.  I don't want to head down that road again, especially not now.   I will pick myself up and brush my shoulders off (ladies iz pimps too ; ).  I will not let this bring me down.

Yes, this is serving as a pep talk to myself.  I hope maybe it will serve as one to you if you''re having one of those days or weeks.

Awareness?...

Everyday I am sure most of see some kind of ribbon or one of those silicone wristbands symbolizing a disease - pink for breast cancer is probably the most popular along with red for AIDS.  April was Parkinsons awareness month and so I found a blue wristband for my husband for his newly diagnosed disease.  I also found this great website called Bravelets.com which make leather and silver bracelets.  They have many causes on there including Parkinsons, several cancers and even one supporting our troops.  I was so impressed with the Bravelets, I ordered two for Parkinsons.  They came the other day and are wonderful.  This got me thinking, "Did they have one for depression?"  I went back to check. The answer is no.  I wasn't too disappointed but it got me thinking.  I did a search for depression awareness bracelets and boy, was THAT disappointing.  Depression awareness is symbolized by the color green.  Not sure why.  Green is a pretty color but when I think depression, I don't think green.  One of the first things that comes up is this "elegant" Swavorski green emerald- type bracelet.  Then there are some that are general-- hope faith, strength.  The search also provided some bi-polar bracelets and stop the stigma ones were included among them.  What really surprised me was a manic-depression wristband.  I didn't know what to think about this one.  Was it an ode to the Hendrix song or was it serious?  Manic depression is now called bipolarism and I think that is pretty much common knowledge among the mental health community and many of the informed public on these diseases.  Who knows?  I may write and ask Bravelets to included a mental health in their catalog.   Until they do, I will wear the one I have that represents Parkinsons.  The small inscription on the silver really says it all - "be brave".

Surrounded... Alone...

Don't know where this post will go tonight, but have you ever felt like you have so may people to count on -- friends and family, people who say they will do anything for you.  Be there for you.  Say the right things when needed,  but still somehow, you feel alone. This is in my head often.  There are many days I feel abandoned even though I have a great husband, a loving son, terrific family and supportive friends.  I still feel alone.  I feel like I don't have friends in proximity, friends I can count on if my son gets sick and I need my hand held because there is no one else here in this state that can do it at that time!  The proximity of my close friends is at least 4 hours.  This is one of the reasons I feel this way.

Sometimes I reach out to people that I hardly know, haven't known in a while and or don't know if I should be reaching out to .  This reaching out is on the wonderful world of facebook because on FB you are surrounded, but alone.  Who is REALLY your friends on fb?  Yeah, your spouse, significant other, bestie, yeah yeah.  Who else though?  We are friends with hundreds of people, OUR friends, right?   We pour our heart out or confide in some of them.  Why?  Would we do this face to face?  No. Only with our closest and besties!  They are the people who we can count on .  We do find an old friend or two or three and reconnect realize how much we miss them.  It is comforting to have them back in our lives.  However, did they really leave or just were out of touch for a awhile?  I don't know. That is only something you can decide.  I realize who my friends are and I love DON'T GET ME WRONG - I LOVE FB! But I know who my friends are and have the pleasure of getting support where I didn't expect it and in nice sweet ways.  Then there are those I wish to hear from and don't .  Priorities.  I know who to count on.  I just wish I had more people to hold my hand when the time arises.

The Journey (we like to call it)...

I've been doing Weight Watchers for a year and a half and lost 50 pounds but gained a little (just a bit) back and now need to reach my goal.  Unfortunately the journey of weight loss is so difficult.  It really involves so much self control and it is hard to have self control when you love lots of good food, good wine, good beer and YUM!! --desserts.  My journey is a long one.  I thought it would be over by now.  WRONG!!  I love food too much.  I do have some discipline but my body doesn't want to listen when I say, "Ignore I just ate 2 ounces instead of one ounce of that cheese!"  Ugh! Bodies!  I have never been a size 2 nor do I want to be but I would like to be comfortable in my own skin.  I am almost there and plan on staying but I am being challenged lately.  No sure what to do.  What is the best exercise?  That seems to be my downfall.  I need a good exercise to help me lose and also to enjoy myself.  I like running but am not good at it.  I like yoga but can't find a good class. Help!!

Jumping out of my skin...

I haven't felt very good physically for the past few days.  I think chalk it up to exhaustion.  A long week and weekend.  Getting ready for fun events this past weekend and having it all happen and then, it's over.  You clean up from the party and the people and recall all the fun.  Then it hits you - it's gone, in the past.  Now what do you do?  If you are me, you sleep in a lot, take some naps, and turn in early.  Ahhhh, SLEEP - the 2nd best thing to do in bed ; ). Just been doing that a lot this week on and off but mostly on.  No energy really flowing at all.  Today I started to have an anxiety attack.  Why?  I have no idea. My chest hurt.   I was nauseous.  Head felt light.  And, of course, I was tired.  I layed down and could have slept all day long but I was able to get up and face the evening.  (Thank God for my husband.  He was there for me and my son today)  So I took a long relaxing shower and thought I was cured for the day but I had a feeling I get often like I want to jump right out of my skin.  That is a real feeling!!  I've heard others say it and say they feel it, it is true.  That's how I felt. No, no, that's how I feel.  Skin crawling, not in a creepy way but in a "what's going on" way.  Hands jittery, nervous but not sure what for.  Heart beating a little faster but not for excitement or fear but for something I can't put into words.
 
I really had a very fun weekend.  Rocked the teacher's lunch, had a beautiful day on Saturday for my son's communion and in between saw a dear old friend who made me laugh and remember good times. Now during that time a musketeer was missing and his absence was definitely felt with me.  That is how I will refer to him, a musketeer.  He will be missing often but he will be back someday.  I just missed him a lot.  Eating piles of the food we had, busting his jokes, helping me out, joining in all the fun.  I felt like, "Something's not right.  Something is missing".  I have to get used to this and hope I will but it may cause me some skin crawling moments like today.      

Uninspired...

I haven't written on this blog for a while.  Not feeling much like it lately.  I don't know if it is writer's block or just that I have nothing to say.  It has been a few weeks of sadness and anxiety, disappointments and tension.  I feel tired from all of it.  I haven't been able to focus or much on my own family, my life.  I need to re-direct my attention to those most important to me, my husband and child.  We have a busy week ahead with my son's first communion and the teachers' luncheon.  It will be a little stressful this week and unfortunately I am feeling a little beat so far, but I hope to have little more energy tomorrow.  It is going to take a lot of positive thinking!  Have to start now and become inspired to take this week on!