So, I haven't been feeling well lately. I thought that now that I'm ok enough to write I'd share what my depression feels like when it creeps up on me.
First, I feel tired, slow, confused. It's hard to think, hard to concentrate. It becomes difficult to form reasonable thoughts. I isolate myself and think no one cares about me. A helpless scary feeling comes and goes. Oh, and I cry, a lot.
To shower, brush teeth, wash hair - it's a struggle, but I do it. My energy is extremely low. Exercise, cleaning the house, anything the expels energy is out of the question. It then becomes an ugly cycle. No energy equals no exercise and that is bad for me as a person with depression. Exercise and sunshine help me stay healthy but when you feel so low and sad and alone, it is next to impossible to get up and take care of yourself and run, walk or play. You may be thinking "Just get up and get moving!". That is what I try to tell myself somedays but again, I feel so low and down and tired and helpless, I physically cannot do it. I sometimes have headaches and my legs and back get heavy and sore. It is more than just a mental state for me
To wake up for my child - it is a struggle, but I do it. I have no choice. I have to get up and take care of him. This is when the happy face goes on. I have to be happy and bright and on my toes as much as possible for my son. I think he suspects sometimes, but he is so sweet and he just goes on with his day. His smile and his stories and questions of the day --THAT makes it worth getting out of bed! He does make it worth getting up for everyday. Somedays though, I count the minutes until my husband gets home. Then, I can maybe lay down and rest. I get so tired just trying to be somewhat normal for my son that I, literally, get exhausted from it.
You see that when a person is suffering from depression, it is a lot more than just feeling a bit down. There is a vicious cycle that makes it very hard to carry on "normal" activities. There is the physical and the mental pains, fear and helplessness, unreasonable thoughts and isolation. It doesn't go away in a day or in a week. It takes over that person and makes him or her sick. It is an illness and I hope more people begin to realize that.
