Recovery...

My husband and I were very sad 11 years ago today September 10th, 2001 - it was the last day of our honeymoon.  As we left our hotel room in Jamaica, we cried a few bittersweet tears.  We had spent the last eight days in paradise after all!  We made the long trip back to the airport in almost silence, as the other two couples in the van did also.  The plane was delayed for a little while and then finally, we boarded not knowing what we were heading back to NYC to.
   The ride was a rough one.  Thunderstorms were up and down the East Coast which made for quite a bumpy ride.  To make matters worse for this bad flyer, we were also delayed landing so we had to circle the Tri-State area several times.  When we were finally cleared to land, I looked out the window as we descended into Newark Airport.  The New York City skyline looked so beautiful!  The thunderstorms had cleared the smog from the air and all the lights in the skyline seemed to twinkle a little brighter.  I remarked to my new husband to take a look.  He thought the same thing, it looked a little extra-ordinary that night.  And there really is nothing like looking at the NYC skyline lit up as your plane circles directly across from it!  When we landed we hurried to get home as we were both tired and actually looking forward to our own bed!  As we drove back to Queens with the hour approaching midnight, I saw the Empire State Building lights turn out.  I had always love to see them go out and come on, since it was a rare thing to witness, even to those that live in New York.
    When we got home we quickly unpacked and made our plans for the next morning: sleep in, get breakfast, vote (it was primary day in NYC), collect our mail, and do laundry.  We had reserved Tuesday, September 11th as our recovery day from the Honeymoon, Wedding, etc.  Our day to prep to get back into the swing of TV Research and Human Resources that awaited us the day after at our jobs.  Off to sleep we went for the first time as husband and wife in our little apartment in Forest Hills.
  I woke up in the 8 o'clock hour to a bright sun glowing through the blinds. I turned over and went back to sleep.  A little after 9 am the phone rang.  My husband slowly got up to answer it.  I told him "No, it's probably just a political call".  We had been getting tons of them since it was election season.  Our family had known we got home safe and sound the night before so I knew it wasn't one of them.  Silently I cursed the caller for awakening us on our recovery day.  My husband answered the phone and quickly, almost violently, grabbed for the remote control of the TV.  I looked at his face and knew something was up.  I actually first thought the president had been shot.  I knew it was something major since my sister was the one who called.  As my eyes cleared and the TV came into focus, I could see the scene of the Towers on fire.  I thought "Oh my God! We are being attacked!".  As I said the words in my head, my husband said them out loud.
   I could hear the sirens blaring outside as the firetrucks, police cars, and ambulances of Queens were heading to downtown Manhattan.  We didn't know what to do.  We watched the replays of the second plane hitting the South Tower on the "Today Show".  We just kept saying "Oh my god" and "Holy Shit!" a lot.  About 9:30 am the phone rang again as my mother in-law called to check on us.  I started to think "Wait - who do we know that works in the Towers?"  We went through our friends and tried to account for everyone.  The phones had started to lose service so we went to the internet where I sent an email out while I had an opportunity to to let people know we were home in our apartment, safe.  Our cell phones had shoddy service but I was able to talk to my dad for a couple minutes too.
  When the news broke that the Pentagon had been hit too, that is when I got scared.    Who else was going to get hit?  Where else were these planes in the air?   Then, the first tower fell, then the second.  It seemed surreal.  How many lives had been lost!?  That beautiful skyline we had gushed over just 12 hours ago was altered forever.  What was to happen next?
  There were reports not to drink the water, not to go near the subway, then go give blood, donate to the Red Cross.  We gathered ourselves best we could and headed outside.  As we rounded the corner, the thick ash covered the sky.  Thousands of people were on the streets around us.  An ambulette vehicle pulled up near us and about 5 men in black suits with earpieces jumped out of the back.  We saw a couple people with ash on them walk by us. People were crying, some others were rushing around looking lost, some others were walking with a purpose - probably just wanted to get HOME!  We were advised to get money, cash, out of the ATM.  The first two we tried were not working.  Finally we found one that worked and got a bunch of cash, Why?  I have no idea.  I don't know what having cash really meant, but we just went through the motions.  Well, that is what we did for the next several days, weeks, just went through the motions.
  That day we got our breakfast, got our mail too.  Voting was canceled, of course.  Later in the day, when we couldn't figure out what else to do, we even did our laundry while watching Peter Jennings trying to keep his cool on the air that afternoon.  However, what we never got to do that day was recover and well, I don't know if we ever really have.

What it's like in the darkness...

So, I haven't been feeling well lately.  I thought that now that I'm ok enough to write I'd share what my depression feels like when it creeps up on me.

First, I feel tired, slow, confused.  It's hard to think, hard to concentrate.   It becomes difficult to form reasonable thoughts.  I isolate myself and think no one cares about me.  A helpless scary feeling comes and goes.  Oh, and I cry, a lot.

To shower, brush teeth, wash hair - it's a struggle, but I do it.  My energy is extremely low.  Exercise, cleaning the house, anything the expels energy is out of the question.  It then becomes an ugly cycle.  No energy equals no exercise and that is bad for me as a person with depression.  Exercise and sunshine help me stay healthy but when you feel so low and sad and alone, it is next to impossible to get up and take care of yourself and run, walk or play.  You may be thinking "Just get up and get moving!".  That is what I try to tell myself somedays but again, I feel so low and down and tired and helpless, I physically cannot do it.  I sometimes have headaches and my legs and back get heavy and sore.   It is more than just a mental state for me

To wake up for my child - it is a struggle, but I do it. I have no choice.  I have to get up and take care of him.  This is when the happy face goes on.  I have to be happy and bright and on my toes as much as possible for my son.  I think he suspects sometimes, but he is so sweet and he just goes on with his day.  His smile and his stories and questions of the day --THAT makes it worth getting out of bed!  He does make it worth getting up for everyday.  Somedays though, I count the minutes until my husband gets home.  Then, I can maybe lay down and rest.  I get so tired just trying to be somewhat normal for my son that I, literally, get exhausted from it.

You see that when a person is suffering from depression, it is a lot more than just feeling a bit down.  There is a vicious cycle that makes it very hard to carry on "normal" activities.  There is the physical and the mental pains, fear and helplessness, unreasonable thoughts and isolation.  It doesn't go away in a day or in a week. It takes over that person and makes him or her sick.  It is an illness and I hope more people begin to realize that.

All Daddy, All the time...

My son is going through a phase called "Daddy-is-the-only-person-that-exists-to-me-phase".  Yep, mommy is non-existent or, only when it matters, like for food or cleaning up after him.  I am trying to figure out what it is?  I play video games with him, I watch all his Nickelodeon shows, listen to his music, buy him things that interest him, but no, mom is just that lady that lives here and gets me food and drink.  
So, I'm feeling a bit left out.  There are signs around my house that read "No Moms Allowed" and "No Girls Allowed" (I am the only girl here besides my cat, ZuZu).  There are times when I don't mind it like when I can just sit and relax because all he wants to talk to and be with is Daddy, but I kind of miss my priority status and "THE MOM!".   Not sure how long this is going to last.  I guess I should enjoy it though.   It's just that part of me is feeling very lonely.  I do take solace in the fact that if he is a world class athlete someday he will look into the camera and say "Hi Mom!"  : )

Summer Blues?...

I have to say I was kind of dreading this summer.  Not having enough to do vs. having too much.  Hearing "Mom, I'm bored.".  Hearing too much video game music.  Running here and there and not enjoying it.   I'm not dreading it anymore.  I realized, well, re-realized, that I have one son and he is the only child I'll ever and I have to cherish everything, no matter how small, with him.  So we are only doing one camp, Mario Brothers will not be an everyday thing, and one of his parents probably needs to learn how to rollerblade (not me, I hope).  
I was basically worried that he would not have enough to do and I'd feel guilty about it.  This dwelled on me for a while and then my husband talked some sense into me.  All that matters is that we are together! Not how many play dates he has or how many camps and activities I line up for him.  There is so much pressure sometimes on kids to DO things.  I think this becomes overwhelming.  I want my boy to do things, but not too much.  I hear other moms make play dates 7 days a week and I am just not that kind of mom.  I hear parents have 7 days worth of activities and sports and camps for their children but I disagree.  I think kids get burned out.  They need the summer to relax and have fun.  That is what I plan to do for my little guy.
 I think we will have a great summer together - a play date here or there, the pool, family vacation, a trip or three to the aquarium, driving range fun, and family and friend visits, oh, and roller blading (yikes).  I think this first week he will mostly sleep in.   That has been the pattern in the past.  I'm now looking forward to this summer with my little man and I'm not afraid of him NOT having a good time.  I think we will enjoy each other's company a lot and have a summer to remember!

Family...

Let it be said that I have a wonderful family.  I have super parents and parents in-law.   A sister, brother & two sisters in-law I love.  A sweetheart of a niece.  An amazing husband and beautiful son.  I also have lots of terrific aunts, uncles, and cousins.  This being stated, families come in all different shapes and ways.  Some families are close and share everything.  Talk everyday either in person or on the phone.  Some families prefer to keep safe distances and only share important things.  Some even barely or rarely talk or see each other.  All families are wonderful though.  No, I mean that.  They mold who we are.  As we get older, we either break the mold or stay somewhat in it.  We make our own families as we grow.  We discover others come from different molds, different values, different families than ours.
I remember discovering in college, and being enlightened by it, that not everyone else came from a family like mine.  I come from a close family-mom, dad sister and brother.  I grew up very close to my grandparents too.  I was so fortunate to at least know all of them, and, even know two of my great-grandparents very well.  My grandparents shaped and molded me.  I saw them often and they taught me all sorts of funny and useful things--old wives' tales, how to improve my handwriting, how to pick tomatoes, how to play checkers and so on.    I had aunts and uncles that I knew I could take refuge at their homes if I needed to.  I had cousins I considered my best friends and some that were like nieces and nephews to me because I was a bit older than them.
It was my surprise that not everyone had this close family ties that I had.  Some barely knew their grandparents and aunts and uncles.  Some didn't have any.  Some considered neighbors and friends more family than their own blood relatives.  I used to think that was so cool!  It didn't matter where you came from, who you were, you always had family and those that you call family come in all shapes and ways.  The one thing that made all these families the same was that they were someone to count on.  Even in the deepest darkest times, you have family.  In the happy times, your family is there.  In the sad, scary times, family is there.  I am fortunate to know that I can count on my family - those related by blood and those that are not.  You see, in college and then after I made some new family members.   My family changed and grew and only got better.
I saw one of my family members today I haven't seen in a little while.  He was in good spirits, looked good and sounded good, but I still miss him even though I just saw him this morning.  Do you want to know why?  Because he is my family and he is not in a great place now.  He will get to a better place soon, physically and emotionally, but it hurts my heart to know where he is now.  I know, with the help of his family, he will get to that better place sooner than later.

Brush your shoulder off...

Did you ever have one of those days when you know you should have just pulled the covers up over your head and stayed in bed?  Doesn't matter what you have planned or who you may see, you just should stay in bed.  I had one of those today.  I just felt like "Nothing is going to go as planned, it's dark and dreary, I have nothing pressing, I need to stay in bed today".  It's a little on the depressing side, I know, but it was needed.  I didn't feel the greatest physically and I slept like crap, so that was not good signs either.  Then, some stuff happened and it made me feel worse.  I just went back to bed then.  I just wanted to be left alone.
With these days, when I just hide from the world, there is a terrible feeling of guilt afterward.  I feel guilty for not being productive, for not exercising, for not being a social human being (I'm not that great at that anyway with my shy personality).  So, I deal with my guilt all day and then at some point decide that the next day I need to get up off my ass and get moving.  That is what I am going to do tomorrow then, get my ass up and get moving.  Two days in bed this week are enough.  Anymore and I will be down that road of doom again.  I don't want to head down that road again, especially not now.   I will pick myself up and brush my shoulders off (ladies iz pimps too ; ).  I will not let this bring me down.

Yes, this is serving as a pep talk to myself.  I hope maybe it will serve as one to you if you''re having one of those days or weeks.

Awareness?...

Everyday I am sure most of see some kind of ribbon or one of those silicone wristbands symbolizing a disease - pink for breast cancer is probably the most popular along with red for AIDS.  April was Parkinsons awareness month and so I found a blue wristband for my husband for his newly diagnosed disease.  I also found this great website called Bravelets.com which make leather and silver bracelets.  They have many causes on there including Parkinsons, several cancers and even one supporting our troops.  I was so impressed with the Bravelets, I ordered two for Parkinsons.  They came the other day and are wonderful.  This got me thinking, "Did they have one for depression?"  I went back to check. The answer is no.  I wasn't too disappointed but it got me thinking.  I did a search for depression awareness bracelets and boy, was THAT disappointing.  Depression awareness is symbolized by the color green.  Not sure why.  Green is a pretty color but when I think depression, I don't think green.  One of the first things that comes up is this "elegant" Swavorski green emerald- type bracelet.  Then there are some that are general-- hope faith, strength.  The search also provided some bi-polar bracelets and stop the stigma ones were included among them.  What really surprised me was a manic-depression wristband.  I didn't know what to think about this one.  Was it an ode to the Hendrix song or was it serious?  Manic depression is now called bipolarism and I think that is pretty much common knowledge among the mental health community and many of the informed public on these diseases.  Who knows?  I may write and ask Bravelets to included a mental health in their catalog.   Until they do, I will wear the one I have that represents Parkinsons.  The small inscription on the silver really says it all - "be brave".

Surrounded... Alone...

Don't know where this post will go tonight, but have you ever felt like you have so may people to count on -- friends and family, people who say they will do anything for you.  Be there for you.  Say the right things when needed,  but still somehow, you feel alone. This is in my head often.  There are many days I feel abandoned even though I have a great husband, a loving son, terrific family and supportive friends.  I still feel alone.  I feel like I don't have friends in proximity, friends I can count on if my son gets sick and I need my hand held because there is no one else here in this state that can do it at that time!  The proximity of my close friends is at least 4 hours.  This is one of the reasons I feel this way.

Sometimes I reach out to people that I hardly know, haven't known in a while and or don't know if I should be reaching out to .  This reaching out is on the wonderful world of facebook because on FB you are surrounded, but alone.  Who is REALLY your friends on fb?  Yeah, your spouse, significant other, bestie, yeah yeah.  Who else though?  We are friends with hundreds of people, OUR friends, right?   We pour our heart out or confide in some of them.  Why?  Would we do this face to face?  No. Only with our closest and besties!  They are the people who we can count on .  We do find an old friend or two or three and reconnect realize how much we miss them.  It is comforting to have them back in our lives.  However, did they really leave or just were out of touch for a awhile?  I don't know. That is only something you can decide.  I realize who my friends are and I love DON'T GET ME WRONG - I LOVE FB! But I know who my friends are and have the pleasure of getting support where I didn't expect it and in nice sweet ways.  Then there are those I wish to hear from and don't .  Priorities.  I know who to count on.  I just wish I had more people to hold my hand when the time arises.

The Journey (we like to call it)...

I've been doing Weight Watchers for a year and a half and lost 50 pounds but gained a little (just a bit) back and now need to reach my goal.  Unfortunately the journey of weight loss is so difficult.  It really involves so much self control and it is hard to have self control when you love lots of good food, good wine, good beer and YUM!! --desserts.  My journey is a long one.  I thought it would be over by now.  WRONG!!  I love food too much.  I do have some discipline but my body doesn't want to listen when I say, "Ignore I just ate 2 ounces instead of one ounce of that cheese!"  Ugh! Bodies!  I have never been a size 2 nor do I want to be but I would like to be comfortable in my own skin.  I am almost there and plan on staying but I am being challenged lately.  No sure what to do.  What is the best exercise?  That seems to be my downfall.  I need a good exercise to help me lose and also to enjoy myself.  I like running but am not good at it.  I like yoga but can't find a good class. Help!!

Jumping out of my skin...

I haven't felt very good physically for the past few days.  I think chalk it up to exhaustion.  A long week and weekend.  Getting ready for fun events this past weekend and having it all happen and then, it's over.  You clean up from the party and the people and recall all the fun.  Then it hits you - it's gone, in the past.  Now what do you do?  If you are me, you sleep in a lot, take some naps, and turn in early.  Ahhhh, SLEEP - the 2nd best thing to do in bed ; ). Just been doing that a lot this week on and off but mostly on.  No energy really flowing at all.  Today I started to have an anxiety attack.  Why?  I have no idea. My chest hurt.   I was nauseous.  Head felt light.  And, of course, I was tired.  I layed down and could have slept all day long but I was able to get up and face the evening.  (Thank God for my husband.  He was there for me and my son today)  So I took a long relaxing shower and thought I was cured for the day but I had a feeling I get often like I want to jump right out of my skin.  That is a real feeling!!  I've heard others say it and say they feel it, it is true.  That's how I felt. No, no, that's how I feel.  Skin crawling, not in a creepy way but in a "what's going on" way.  Hands jittery, nervous but not sure what for.  Heart beating a little faster but not for excitement or fear but for something I can't put into words.
 
I really had a very fun weekend.  Rocked the teacher's lunch, had a beautiful day on Saturday for my son's communion and in between saw a dear old friend who made me laugh and remember good times. Now during that time a musketeer was missing and his absence was definitely felt with me.  That is how I will refer to him, a musketeer.  He will be missing often but he will be back someday.  I just missed him a lot.  Eating piles of the food we had, busting his jokes, helping me out, joining in all the fun.  I felt like, "Something's not right.  Something is missing".  I have to get used to this and hope I will but it may cause me some skin crawling moments like today.      

Uninspired...

I haven't written on this blog for a while.  Not feeling much like it lately.  I don't know if it is writer's block or just that I have nothing to say.  It has been a few weeks of sadness and anxiety, disappointments and tension.  I feel tired from all of it.  I haven't been able to focus or much on my own family, my life.  I need to re-direct my attention to those most important to me, my husband and child.  We have a busy week ahead with my son's first communion and the teachers' luncheon.  It will be a little stressful this week and unfortunately I am feeling a little beat so far, but I hope to have little more energy tomorrow.  It is going to take a lot of positive thinking!  Have to start now and become inspired to take this week on!

Really...

One thing I have noticed as I am writing this blog is that I really like the word REALLY.  I really must stop using it so much.  I mean, really, it's not that great of a word.  There has to be a better word to use besides really.

Holding it all in...

One of my biggest faults is that I bottle everything up inside.  It's hard for me to get my true feelings, beliefs, words out most of the time.  I hold it all in to a point that it almost hurts.  I have done this as far back as I can remember.  My mom says how I would be defiant when I was younger. I would not say a word if I got into trouble or she or my dad were mad at me or lecturing me.  I was the same way with my relationships.  Friends, old boyfriends, and my husband could probably tell you I am a non-confrontational (ok, unless I have a good reason).  I'm quiet about my feelings.  It's hard for me to be expressive about what is going on in my head.   Maybe because there is so much going on inside of my head!  A lot of the time something is happening - deep conversation, argument, disagreement, etc - I will just take it all in.  I think about it for a while and the conversation or whatever will be over and then, only later, will I be able to say my opinions, words, defense.  I think one of the reasons I am like this is because I am afraid of saying the WRONG thing especially in a heated or emotional time.  I am not a mean vindictive person.  I don't want to jump all over the other person or insult.  You have to do something really, really bad for me to show my anger or for me to "blow up".  I can only think of a handful of times that has happened and it was usually something he (He = from the past) did wrong--very wrong - lying, cheating, being cruel on purpose to me.
Yes, I do lose my temper, but for me to "lose it" on someone is rare.  If I start to get mad or upset I usually shut down, cry, hide.  I found out about 25 years ago writing helps.  I kept journals and diaries in my late high school years.  I did the same in college and even after.  I wrote letters, some of them called "beautiful" by those who received them.  Then something happened in 1996 and I stopped writing.  What happened is a small book itself, so I will get to that at another time.  I was broken and my writing went away for years.  Now, I am doing it again and instead of writing in my terrible handwriting in some decorative journal, I am blogging for you all to see.  It is so helpful for me to type out these words and share them.  I sometimes hesitate to post my blog for fear I reveal too much of myself to those of you I don't know very well or even at all, but if we ever meet or meet again, maybe you will understand me better.  Writing is therapeutic for me.  It helps me.  It calms me.  It's kind of like a medicine!

ChChChChanges...

With all that life throws at us, this blog may become about more than my depression.  With my husband's Parkinson's and my adventures being a mom and all the crap life is throwing around me lately, the blog may change.  I also have a notion to start another one someday.  I hope that if you read it you like it so far.  Comments, questions or suggestions are always welcome.  I am new to this and hope that I entertain you a little or at least peak your interest a bit.  Thanks, as always, for reading.

Married...Happily...

So happy my husband is going to be home for a few days with me.  It will make the sadness of the week's beginning easier.  Had a full house over the weekend and when that happens, the following Monday is usually a big, old, letdown.  My husband needs a few mental health days and some time to decompress, as he says.  We all know that feeling.

 We have been dealing with so much lately, especially him.  We are learning all that the both of us can about Parkinson's and he is reading Michael J Fox's biography.  He gets stiff and shaky but his meds seem to be helping him out.  He has told me that he's having no specific side effects so far.  So relieved about that because with all the drugs on the market sometimes the worst part of the drugs are the side effects no matter how much they help out.  I love how when you read the little booklet and it explains the side effects it always says something like "Your doctor recommended this medicine because the benefits of it will outweigh the negative side effects."  I laugh every time.  It's true but when are they going to make something that helps with no side effects?    

My husband and I went out to dinner and to listen to some music last night.  It was just so nice after all these stressful weeks and days to just talk with someone you love and just BE!  We had a fantastic time - tapas and sangria and then a little blues and wine.  We so needed a night out and like the old people we are we were home in by 1130pm! LOL!  We used to stay out until 1 am or even after when we'd have a night out.  It was not THAT long ago.  Now we sometimes just look forward to watching SNL no matter how unfunny it may be and just sitting on our couch sipping some wine and enjoying each other's company.    

I don't know what I would do with out the support of my husband lately.  So thankful for him!  

Anxiety...

I am feeling very anxious today.  It is like a heaviness in my chest, in my heart, in my soul maybe?  There's a pill for that, but it only does so much.  It can't cure it.  It only helps temporarily.

I think I am feeling so anxious because of the unknown.  What is to come?  What will happen?  Dwelling on it only makes it worse.  My stomach turns and I sometimes get slightly dizzy.  It is hard to concentrate.  I need to refocus my energy on something else, so that is why am writing today.  It helps a little bit, gets stuff out.  Refocuses my mind on something productive (at least I hope this is productive).  So let's change the subject.

I have to take the little man to see the Easter bunny today.  This may be the last year for that.  He's not thrilled the bunny at the mall is a female one (LOL).  I have to prepare for Easter and my niece's birthday this weekend too.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, when my mind is occupied with "important" stuff, life is a little easier for me.

Thanks for reading the blog as always and I hope it makes sense and even helps some of you!

This is what it feels like...

Nervous, shaken, upset, scared, anxious, want to run, want to seek comfort, want to sleep, want to stay up.  This is how I feel.  This is what is usually the beginning of a depressive episode.  I am so scared where it will take me.  It is the wrong week to do this.   I have to take care of my son.  This is not what I need right now.

 I just need to calm down get my head together.  This is so not fair.  All that is happening now is not fair.  It is driving me to the edge and I don't know how long I can keep it together.  I use up all of my strength sometimes just trying to keep it together.  I wonder if that is why I sleep so long somedays and am so tired and other days it almost feels like I am storing up energy in case I need it.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Get by with a little help from my friends.

I have friends - best friends that live as close as 3 & 1/2 hours away to 6 to 8 hours away.  I get jealous of those people around me with their besties nearby having girls days out and girls nights out.  I have once or twice a year girls nights or days out (booooo!).

 I have recently spent time with all four of these lovely ladies that I care about deeply and can count on.  I wish I could spend more time with them.  They are relaxing, funny, informative, and honest with me -- all things I need. I love them dearly - they know who they are.  They are the most beautiful, brilliant, funny people I have ever met.  I've been friends with all of them for at least 22 to, like, 35+ years or so!  Even been friends with one since birth : ).  They are my "Other Sisters".  I have one beautiful wonderful sister but these ladies are different kinds of sisters for other reasons.

I am writing this because of what they have done or are doing - keeping me in their thougths.  I need it so much now and am so happy I have them.   They check up on me and send me positive and uplifting messages or just a simple HELLO!  They individually are amazing women in their own unique ways.  I am blessed and deeply humbled to have them in my life after all these years.  THANK YOU LADIES - A, B, C, K - you are THE BEST!!!

Lately I feel like I have been pulled in two different directions.  My heart hurts and I feel sad, get upset over little things, cry a lot.  Then I also feel angry.  I keep asking "Why?" and then I ask "What" - what can I punch, hit, shred.  It's been a difficult week, month, & years.  I have taken to being sentimental, drudging up old memories to try to make myself feel better about things.  I even had this idea of a time machine to go back and change things.  Maybe I just want to be like Jack and go back to the island - "We have to go baaaaack!!".

I can't change the past and I can't time travel.  These problems are not in my hands, they are others problems.  Some have done things to cause them and some have not.  I didn't do these things. I didn't cause them, at least that is what I tell my self.  With my depression, sometimes I take the blame for things out of my control.  I think of some memory that may have caused so and so to do this or maybe have caused him to get this or I should have been more of a supporter, more a sister, more of a friend, more of a daughter, etc.

I fight these demons everyday. I get a very strong case of the what ifs, would haves, could haves.  I hate this but they creep up anyway.  The next few weeks are not going to be pleasant.  Lots to deal with and it will be painful like nothing I've had to deal with before.  And, with this now, I also have to deal with the unknown for years to come.  I wish there was some kind of pill to give me superpower strength but that only happens in the movies.  

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: On the brink...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: On the brink...: I've prayed hard for things in life and it seems every time I do pray really hard, it ends up bad...like today, last week, sometime ago and ...

On the brink...

I've prayed hard for things in life and it seems every time I do pray really hard, it ends up bad...like today, last week, sometime ago and so on.  I'm giving up on a lot as of now.  Tonight.

 I am angry at my god.  I am angry at the rest of the f'ing world.  I fight and fight and fight this disease this curse and yet it takes just a few words to bring me back down no matter how relaxed I felt this weekend; no matter how happy and proud I was of my son tonight.  The pile of crap just keeps coming.

My parents have been through a mini hell the past 2 years.  My brothers is in a big hell now.  Other family and friends have their own ups and downs the past few years too.  My husband, the good honest man--wonderful man to put up with me-- has been diagnosed with a disease there is no cure for and that no one really understands completely.   Over the next few weeks, I have to explain to an sweet little 8 year old things I don't understand one bit!!  No amount of meds, therapy, prayers can help me there.  I can only be strong for him and my husband, but I am finding it hard to be strong enough to get out of bed, to exercise, to be somewhat human.

 No idea how I am going to sleep tonight.  No idea how I am going to get through tomorrow or the next day and so on.  I felt so tired yesterday and slept and slept now I realize I was probably covering myself for the next few nights.  Yes I have sleeping pills and pills to relax me but I want nothing to do with them tonight.  I actually want to feel for a change.  Sometimes the meds are good and sometimes they are not.   I don't want to feel numb and sleepy tonight, I want to FEEL!  Yes I want to feel the hurt, disgust, and pain.  If I don't, it will probably just come back to haunt me later.


So much has happened over the past few years, so much bad news.  I don't know when it will stop but I know I can't take anymore.   I guess I will just wait until the next bomb to drop...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Yesterday, all troubles seemed so far away...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Yesterday, all troubles seemed so far away...: A few weeks ago my husband went to the doctor for a checkup.  He has been having tremors in his hand and leg.  The doctor gave him a few tes...

Yesterday, all troubles seemed so far away...

A few weeks ago my husband went to the doctor for a checkup.  He has been having tremors in his hand and leg.  The doctor gave him a few tests and recommended and MRI.  The MRI came back clean.  However, he was referred to a neurologist.  I tagged along with him to the neurologist's office yesterday.  He went through more tests and the doctor thoroughly checked him out.  We both thought he did great on his tests but when the neurologist returned for the final verdict, he told us that my husband has Parkinson's.  My husband is 45.

To say we were shocked is an understatement.  After we heard the MRI showed nothing but a healthy brain, we thought he was in the clear.  Parkinson's doesn't show up on and MRI nor in a blood test; it is done in an evaluation by a neurologist.  My husband has been referred to a specialist in Parkinson's.  I feel good about the recommendation of this doctor because he comes highly recommended by a few different people besides the neurologist.  This special Parkinson's doctor is described as brilliant and one of the best in this type of disease.

We are going to face this head on. We'll do whatever we can to prevent further symptoms, worse symptoms.  Parkinson's is a chemical imbalance in the brain, like depression.  I joked with him that we both have chemically imbalanced brains.  We have also joked as to who will put my bracelets and necklaces on because my hands shake from my meds and familial tremors and his one hand already has tremors in it...have to start training my son (LOL!).

We will fight this fight together.  I will help him fight his as he has helped and will continue to help me fight mine.

I'll keep my readers updated and this blog may become more than what it is now or maybe I'll expand and do another blog too.  In the meantime, we will take it day by day.  If you want to learn more about PArkinson's as I have been doing, go to TeamFox.org - Michael J. Fox's website.  It's full of info and insight.

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Spring Has Sprung

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Spring Has Sprung

Spring Has Sprung

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Sun came out...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Sun came out...: After a very crappy morning which included me crying on my WW leader's shoulder, the sun came out in the afternoon.  I went out and tried to...

Sun came out...

After a very crappy morning which included me crying on my WW leader's shoulder, the sun came out in the afternoon.  I went out and tried to catch the late sun shining on the forsythia and get the few magnolia flowers left on the tree in my front yard.  A very good friend called and what is better than hearing the voice of an old friend?  So, it didn't turn out to bad of a day, just a not so great one.

Here's to sun and old friends and hopefully a good night's sleep later...

Sun, Where are you?

Second day in a row with no sun in the morning.  I think everyone in my house is cranky including the dog.  It really makes a difference when the sun is shining vs. this crappy weather.  Later I have to head to Weight Watchers and probably get some not so exciting news (I already peeked at my pounds today - not great news).  Got to keep going although some days seem harder lately.  Just can't wait until the end of the week!  I'm going to see my bestest friends from college!  Friday can't get here soon enough!

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Nerves....

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Nerves....: I have lots of raw nerves going on in my head, body, fingers, everywhere currently.  I get nervous over everything.  I am nervous even writi...

Nerves....

I have lots of raw nerves going on in my head, body, fingers, everywhere currently.  I get nervous over everything.  I am nervous even writing this blog.  I am putting so much out there on this blog.  People I don't know or hardly know read this.  When I think about it it kind of scares me.  I get all these hits ever time I post and I only have 12 followers & I know all of them.  I average 25 hits or so so who know who the others are.  I just appreciate that they read it.  It makes me nervous to know somewhere people who don't know me may judge me, but that is a whole other blog post.
 
   In the meantime....
   I'm nervous about a lot of things this week, but also excited.  Until I get to my destination this week, my nerves will be better and hopefully calmer.  I can't understand that I have this foreboding feeling something is going to go wrong.  I try SO HARD to think positively; to think all will be OK.  I am trying to do that now but it is hardly working.  Any advice any input would be appreciated...anyone... anyone....
 
 There is just so much negativity that has occurred throughout my life - lately it is only the norm = negative.  I have turned from a realist into a pessimist or maybe I've been a pessimist all along just trying to convince myself I wasn't.  Thankfully I have support.  I'll be needing it a lot this week.   God, prove me wrong! I pray for a good week for a change!

I thought this was funny -

http://www.theonion.com/articles/still-some-nutella-left-in-jar-reports-depression,27635/

Can't sleep Clown's gonna eat me, cant sleep, clown's gonna eat me....

--That is a line from a Simpsons' episode. Not a fan of clowns either. Fell asleep for a while now up in real time middle of the night for a 7am to 1130pm lady.
   I'm listening to Irish music on this St. Paddy's day.  I was having a pretty good day and then some sh#t hit the fan.  Received some troubling news and it sent me into a minor spiral.  I composed myself and went on.  I was ok for our night out at dinner.  When I got home I realized I made a big mistake in a travel plan and had to fix it.  Because of the previous hours undoing, I did not handle it well.  I am forgetful lately a lot due to my head problems.  I also do not have the eyes I used to.  I feel like I should ask someone to proof everything I do.   My husband says it was just  simple mistake but I notice these mistakes more and more.  I must press on though and be a little stronger.  Sometimes I try so hard but get derailed anyways.
Well...
  Happy St Patrick's day to my Irish and non Irish readers. Take care and just be a positive soul!

March Madness...

I'm discovering that LIFE can be a good pill.  It's March Madness for College Basketball in case you didn't know.  This week, the conference tournaments are happening everywhere and have been exciting in the Big East so far (the current home of  my SU Orange'men'...as I still think of them).  March Madness is so exciting and mind engaging.  I fill out my brackets, get excited over teams I hardly know.  It's fun for me.  I wish it could last longer.  Have you seen the Buffalo Wild Wings commercials?  They ask the question. "What month would you trade for more March Madness?"  Just ask me - January - too cold, lonely, sad.  Seems to be the height of my SAD disorder (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  Seems like January is the lowest time for me.  Just REALLY discovered it this year.  I need to do more next January to prevent it but sometimes a person just can't.  At least, FINALLY I realized how bad it was this year and hope to avoid it as like it hit me this year which was severely.

My advice today - live like March Madness - unpredictable, free, wild, and a winner!  I certainly will try to do this!!!

Busy weeks so far but improving...

Monday started my week out crappily (is this a word?).  However, it has improved a little bit.   Getting back to the gym, lots of errands and events happening.  My school event is next week and I am preparing for that now.  My son is a busy little man 3 evenings a week with his after school activities.  Tonight we had a few of those going on all at once so we were spread a little thin tonight especially since dad had important business meetings.  Finally got a decent nights sleep last night so that has made life a little easier today.
I know I have stated this in my blog entries several times but keeping my mind and body busy is important for me.  If I don't personally keep busy, my mind wanders, I start thinking "If only", and of course I get a case of the "Coulda, Shoulda, Wouldas".  These ultimately lead to a spiraling and sadness sets in and then DOOM!  I have to keep myself going everyday.  I have to occupy my mind and do it with something that will keep my attention.    I can see how depressed people can become OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).  Tonight I was bored and have my house in order and cleaned!  (Thanks to my husband for helping me out)  I was trying to fill my time and started setting clothes out for tomorrow, sorting laundry, prepped the coffee, fed all my pets, fluffed pillows, etc.  I then started to set out all of what I will need for tomorrow.  When I got through with it I thought, "What am I doing?"  I need to just sit and relax.  I can't get into that habit now.  I like to make my TO DO: lists for the week and stick to those but setting out everything I need for the next day down to hat, keys, sunglasses - that is too much for me.
I realized I need to keep busy but also take time to sit and relax at the end of the day.  Put my feet up and just chill.  We all should do that.  I think we take our busy lives too seriously and I recommend loungin' in the evening.  It helped me FINALLY wind down tonight and I think it will help you too!!

(Woodchuck cider is also helping me unwind right now.......)

Today sucked.

That about says it all in the title.  It was a Monday so what did I expect?  Felt sick and achey all day, very gloomy and my Irish temper was short.  Slept lousy. Up early.  Don't have much else to say.  Some days no amount of meds or exercise work...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Every little thing is going to be alright?....

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Every little thing is going to be alright?....: My procedure was successful. I have a long and twisted colon or a tortuous colon ( funny name )- how does that spice up your Friday night? ...

Every little thing is going to be alright?....

My procedure was successful.  I have a long and twisted colon or a tortuous colon (funny name)- how does that spice up your Friday night?  That accounts for my problems and I was told to eat more fiber. Ok.  I'll try but I am not a big veggie eater and I prefer summer fruits.  I do have my bottle of Benefiber though --- take that veggies!

No news is good news I hope.  On all of the other fronts of my life no new news on anything pressing.  Makes me have this kind of uncomfortable comfort if that is at all possible.  I felt this so much I relaxed today and pampered myself a bit with a mani/pedi.  They always make me feel great.  The massage chair at the place was friggin' awesome.  Almost felt like a real person massaging me which is sort of creepy when you think about it.  I caught a quick sale at Macy's and updated my makeup a bit. I do take time every now and then, as we ALL should, to pamper myself.  This leads me to something I may have a new addiction to - shopping!
It makes me feel better and that is what I am supposed to be doing - feeling better.  However, lately if I see a sale I am all over it.  I have lost over 40 pounds (and I'm still losing) in the last year so I do need new clothes.  That is my main excuse but I can't resist looking and trying on new things.  I never liked shopping before.  I never had enough money or I was sort of forced to do it with my grandmother and mother when I was young and I wasn't allowed to pick out anything for myself.  They did all the choosing.  I hated that!  I get to do the choosing now! I fit into a size I am happy with so I have more choices than I have had over the past years.  Shopping also make me feel good.  Lifts my spirits though sometimes I do have that buyer's remorse but I get a loving word from my husband and it passes ; ].

I hope this blog doesn't sound too shallow.  I'm not a material person at all! Believe me never have and never will be.   I just see things a little differently these days and this shopping thing is something I am liking.  Takes my mind off a lot of the bothersome things.

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Challenges...

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues...: Challenges...: The challenging year of 2011 continues into 2012. If I could tell you all of the things that have happened over the past 2 years related to...

Challenges...

The challenging year of 2011 continues into 2012.  If I could tell you all of the things that have happened over the past 2 years related to family and/or friends - you would be astonished!  I guess that is why I am on so many meds... LOL!  There are a few new challenges related directly to me but I am hoping one is a phase and the other turns out to be nothing.  I am hoping for the best possible outcomes - that is something very positive and a little different for me.  I am learning to LET GO of the other stuff I can't control with lots of help and advice from friends and family.  I am just realizing I can't do anything about these things and they do not affect me directly.

That brings me to my vent today.  Something that does affect me (I sure hope I am using affect correctly. That was my last writing lesson - if some English major is reading this, let me know).

I had to do a bland diet yesterday and today I am on clear liquids - NO SOLID FOOD! UGH!!   Tomorrow I will have my second attempt at a colonoscopy (yep -- yuck).  I am hungry already and could go for some french toast and turkey sausage with some chocolate milk but that will have to wait for another day. I have some well, you know, problems so I have to do a 2 day "cleanse" - that is what I am calling it because that is what the celebrities call these things.  The first time I had it was a failure because I was so well, you know, that I did not have a clean enough colon (hope no one is grossed out I am talking about this but sooner or later YOU will have to have one too - 50 is not too far down the road for some of us).    My doctor recommended a 2 day cleanse - a year and a half ago.   Yes, I was chicken to reschedule because it is not fun!  So here I am trying it again and praying it works tomorrow.  The prep is not the most pleasant thing, but I can drink all the sprite I want to today! Oh, and eat all the beef broth I want too!  (OK, beef broth isn't that exciting).

So, my body is making all these weird noises but I am feeling a little confident that this time it will work.  I just want a normal digestive system is that so wrong?  Most everything else about me is abnormal so how about this one little thing?  Hopefully the doctor will figure out what is making me, well, you know.

Thanks for reading if you continued to.  While I was writing earlier I got a speck of good news so something positive happened on this Leap Day...

Mondays - the most hated day of the week...

As I was putting my 8 year old to bed tonight he told me he "hates" Mondays.  The weekend is over and nothing "fun" happens for him in school.  He also said the only time he likes Mondays are when he has the day off.  I agree with him completely.

He has discovered this and made his firm statement tonight - He hates Mondays!  I asked him why he doesn't like them and he said because he doesn't have art or phys-ed on Monday - his favorite subjects.  OK.  Different reasons than me but he has his priorities straight.

I've mentioned this before- I get down on Mondays because of my empty house.  There is usually some buzz happening in the house on the weekend or people are visiting or we are visiting someplace or someone.  My son doesn't have anything exciting going on in school on Mondays.  Hmmm...different, but similar.  I made it through this Monday even though I wanted to go back to bed, not because I felt down but because I felt so tired.  These weird days - 67 degrees in Maryland today - (only 40's and windy on the weekend) has my brain mixed up a bit.  Just extra tired these days but maybe it's because it was only a Monday....

Good genes...

Ah, what an up and down week.  Busy for me- again, best when I keep busy - but not the greatest of weeks .  Got good news, bad news and no news.  Drove myself nutty over almost nothing and worried about something I never thought I'd worry about.

Haven't felt much like writing, just taking stuff in.

Looks like lots of happenings in the next week again.  Big day for my boy on Sunday - Hope things go well.  If they don't his heart may be a little sad but we'll get through it.  It's the boy scouts pinewood derby car race.  Last year he came in first in his den!  I know he now wants to win every year.  He has to get used to losing - no one wins all the time, not even the Yankees LOL :)  I'm afraid of he will be greatly disappointed and sad if . He is such a sensitive boy, much like me and even his dad when we were his age.

Sensitivity - it can be interpreted in so many ways - shy, moody, sad, depressed, emotional, silly, crazy, scared.  I'm sure there is more.  I can speak to these stereotypes because I have been there.  The worst is when you are sad, depressed over sensitive and people think, or even have the balls to call you CRAZY!  That is the worst by far.  I have been called that in the past. Because of that, I have thought that I was and was afraid to admit I was depressed or sad or down because of how others judged.  It took me almost 2 decades to find the right help and for me to realize I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  It's a combination of things that happened in my past and things that occurred in my surrounding through the years added to my state of mind.


So, since I have lots of experience in the depression world I can help my sensitive boy NOT to become like me. And if he does get down at times, I will know how to lift his spirits.   I can tell him what to avoid.  I've already been teaching him about getting sunlight and brushing things off (Brush that dirt off your shoulder - thanks JayZ - I sing that in my head a lot).  I get so worried he is going to wind up like me - depressed as a teen and a young adult.  I am doing everything I can to try to help him avoid this but it is a disease and it is hereditary.  Just hope he got the good genes when it comes to this thing!

BLAH!!!!

I am so tempted to go back and lay down and veg out for a while.  My dog is at the pet hotel for a few more hours so I don't have to worry about walking him and letting him in and out of the back door.   Trying so hard to fight the temptation of missing out on a nice day maybe even utilize the digital camera at the lake.  God! Give me some strength to do this!!  Don't let me regret missing this sunny Tuesday.

I have a case of the BLAHs I'm trying to fight off.  It is not easy any day to do this but particularly fighting it off today is more difficult.  I  mentioned those morning blues in the previous post.  They are sinking in heavily today.  (trying to find some more upbeat songs on the ipod).  OK I need a little extra something today.  Don't know what that is but I'm going to get dressed and look for it.  God Damn....I hate these type of days!!!

Monday morning blues (or in this case Tuesday...)

Monday (or any day after a long weekend ends),  it is hard to face the loneliness I feel when it's over.   I hate (seriously hate) after spending a weekend with family and friends the separation of me from all of "that".  I had a really terrific weekend visiting friends and family, watching my son and husband smile and laugh along with me and others.  It really was fun, no down times, no sad times, just lots of visits with people I haven't seen in a while, sharing stories, catching up.

So husband and son left for work and school and I am here alone with the cats.  Put on some music to fill the silence and I still feel a familiar queasiness, unsteadiness.  So put it all together -- I get lonely.  I miss the "excitement" of having people I love and care about around me.  Sometimes it is overwhelming, but not necessarily in a bad way.   Sometimes my family can be a bit much - they are loud, talkative, opinionated, but most of all we all seem to love or at least like each other most of the time.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't miss living back "home".  My husband and I live a good healthy distance from our parents and most of our family members.  They can drive to see us but can't do a "pop-in" when we least expect it.  We both like it that way.

This is a recurring topic in my therapy sessions.  Why do I feel so lonely after a good weekend or even any weekend?  Do I need more friends? (not particularly) Do I need to get a job outside the home? (maybe, we'll see, but I think I'd rather work in the home).  I think that I just like having the right people around me.  Whether the right people are family and friends or some acquaintances, or even no one, it depends on the day.  Believe me there are days when I don't want anyone around me but those days never seem to be after a good weekend.

Mondays - almost always have a way of bringin' me down.

Looong week!

Still feeling tired from this week's activities.  Spent most of it prepping for the teacher's conference dinner at school last night.  I am in charge of organizing dinners, lunches and special treats for the teachers  throughout the year.  I am the Hospitality Committee and yes, I pretty much do this alone.  My consultant is my husband and I run ideas past a few others involved with the PTA for some extra input and advice.
 
For each dinner or "goody day", I have to send emails to families asking for food and drink donations as well as help with set up and clean up for the events.  These emails are starting to sound more and more like begging.  Lots of fundraisers and other activities are going on with the school, so I think people just get tired out from it and not everyone likes to cook and bake -- this includes me.  But onward I go trying new dishes or asking for gift cards from local business to fill our tables.

The theme for this conference was "4th of July in February" - all done by me.  We did a cookout with my husband at the grill and got donations of sides from many local BBQ type eateries and a few generous families.  It seemed to be a big success!  I got lots of compliments after and still received some today as I walked the halls of school heading to my own son's conference with his 2nd grade teacher.  It felt good even though it is almost impossible for me to take a compliment.  I am shy and usually don't like receiving them.  This, along with my depression mean I really really wonder IF if did a good job, IF the staff really liked it, IF the food and presentation was good enough, IF IF IF!!!

 I doubt myself and talk myself into believing, "Oh, well it was just ok." or  "Someone or something else must have made it better or could have made it better."  Honestly, this self-doubt goes for just about anything.  My husband tells me I look good - doubt it. Someone likes my sweater - Really??  I need to change this but having been this way my whole life it's going to take some time.  Just part of my new journey I guess.

Calm or craziness?

The next few days are going to be hectic around me.  Don't worry.  Sometimes HECTIC days and weeks are better for me - they keep my mind occupied and my head and body busy.  I have the big teacher conference dinner which I've been planning for months and today my son is home sick.  Tomorrow is Valentines day. All Valentines that needed to be mailed to grandparents and uncle and aunts and niece are out!  Now I have to get my son to fill his in for the class and his teachers.  I have a couple of appointments I have to be at throughout the week and there is some things happening on my family's front that could be absolutely good or absolutely devastating.  I pick the good! Who knows?  Things may not change at all.  I just hope a little bit of good news comes through soon!

At the end of the week I am traveling back to my hometown.  I haven't been there in a while... since August I believe.  This will coincide with the news from our family that I can't really discuss but I am hoping for a good weekend and not one filled and taken over by tears and hurt and fear of unknown.  I have lots to keep me busy when I am up there.  I have a new baby to see, a new restaurant to check out and a lot of people to visit with.  One thing that still bothers me when I go back to my hometown is that I looked forward to and treasured the little visits with my Nana.  I loved to go up to her little house and just sit with her.  She always had a way of making me feel at ease and forgetting all the other problems in the world, well, ok just in my world at least.  It still pains me when I think of going back there and not being able to see her.  I hope to at least get up to see her stone at the cemetery.  I definitely need a visit up there to see Nana and Pop.  Maybe even swing down to see Gram and Pop too.  My grandparents were always and still seem to be great calming and comforts to me.  I miss all of them terribly, but it was Nana--something about those Saturday afternoon visits with her where she was usually watching Lifetime movies--that made me feel better.   My troubles would seem to go away.   She made me feel good about myself!

Here is to this week with the hope of things going smoothly, weather cooperating, inklings of good news and driving safely!  Cheers!

Just thought of something...

I hope Elton John doesn't sue me or something but this is one of my favorite songs by him and the blues are such a simple but clever way to describe when one is feeling down.  But, that would mean he read my blog which would be pretty amazing!  Still, I hope he doesn't sue me...  : )

Let There Be Light...

In my next house (if that ever happens) I want my bedroom to face East and have large windows in it -- maybe even a skylight!  Now my bedroom faces West and has one small square-ish window.  I get plenty of light from the sun in the late afternoon, but not when i really need it which is in the morning.   Did you know how important getting some sunlight is?  I never knew until about the past 5 years or so.  I know all about getting too much sun from my past sunburns on my Irish skin, but the sun CAN be good for you in moderation.
Vitamin D!  It is a pro hormone not really a vitamin.  It helps with the absorption of other vitamins and the functions of several of our body parts.  It even helps prevent diseases and in my case it helps with depression and SAD.  That is why SAD exists because of the lack of sun in the late fall and wintertime.
Sunlight also helps wake you up and keep you up.  Who feels bad when the suns rays are shining on their face?  It helps with our circadian rhythm (24 hour clock) so our hormones and body functions properly.  Since I am not a scientist and don't want to get facts mixed up,you can find out more details here: http://www.nigms.nih.gov/Education/Factsheet_CircadianRhythms.htm .

A few years ago my psychiatrist suggested getting a sun lamp to use during the winter time.  I ordered it from Amazon - not too expensive (@$40). Smaller than an iPad but larger than an iTouch.  I just glance at it for about 15-20 minutes in the mornings before the sun comes up or on cloudy days.  I'm usually checking email or watching the Today show when I'm doing this - before my son is up.  He likes to take the lamp and shine it everywhere and sometimes stares at it (not recommended) so I started doing it before he gets up.  LOL!  I sincerely think it helps me.  Not the same as natural sunlight but a good substitute for it.

When the sun does come up and out and after husband is off to work and son off to school, I found the perfect place to catch some rays in my house.  I sit on the floor or the couch where the sun is beaming in through my large bow window and just soak up those morning rays.  It feels so warm and energizing to me!  I sometimes close my eyes and meditate or say a little prayer while sitting there.

I was never a big fan of the sun because of all the freckles I have, all the sunburns I've suffered but I have now lovingly embraced my freckles as Irish beauty marks as my Nana called them.  And I ALWAYS USE SUNSCREEN - as you all should!  I discovered the sun is my friend.  That big star helps me out some days.  It helps me feel happy and guess what, no co-pay - it's FREE!

I didn't go into all the benefits of the sun in my writing today but here is another link I recommend.  It lays out all the star's benefits...
http://onlineradiologytechnicianschools.com/2010/feeling-sunny-25-health-benefits-of-sensible-sun-exposure/

Mental Health Days...

Back in the day when I was working in the bustling TV research industry, every now and then I'd just need a break from it all.  I'm sure anyone reading has had those days when they just can't deal with anything or anyone.   You just want to crawl back into bed and make up for all the sleep you have been missing, then turn on the TV or some music and just veg out for the rest of the day.  That's a mental health day!  I still need them even though I don't work outside of my home.  I just need a break from it all every now and then.  I don't think it is wrong to take days like this off or put things aside that can be done at another time to kind of collect yourself, rest and regroup the next day or later that day.

With me, I have a diagnosed illness, so these mental health days are/were literal.  However, I don't think you have to have a diagnosis to take a mental health break.  Everyone out there working from home, working outside the home and even people like me - stay at-home parents need a break every now and then.  I've read and experienced first and second hand the cutback of sick days within businesses and companies.  Some only give 5 sick days, others 7 or 10, some a big fat ZERO!  Meanwhile workers in other countries get unlimited sick days and more vacation days than any American worker can think of doing something with!  There are some businesses even shut down in the early afternoon so workers can rest and be more productive later.  (I am a big believer in NAPS - they really do refresh a body!)


I know there are some American companies that are generous with sick and vacation days, but not enough.  I truly believe that if workers in this country could take more mental health days or just breaks, then I think they would be more productive, businesses would run smoother and people might actually enjoy their jobs a little more!  I know that it works for me now.  Maybe it might help those that feel the blues, S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) or mild to moderate depression, as well as other "invisible illnesses". (I'm not a doctor or scientist so I have no data to base this on, just a hunch.)

So next time you really feel run down and just can't deal, maybe a mental health day is for you!  I think we all need more of these!

'Cause I gotta have faith...??!!

I am trying to rediscover my faith.  I've been praying a lot lately -- for me and for others.  My son is taking religion classes and may attend private catholic school next year so I want to help him understand that I believe in God too and need his help too.  He is also learning though, not everyone believes the same things or in the same God or even some people believe in no God and it is all ok to do.  I never had a lot of that growing up.  I knew there were different religions but I think it was beat into my head thru school and family that Catholic is best!! :)

I discovered later that no religions are the best.  I follow the teaching of Christ but I also like to hear what Buddha says as well as the Dalai Lama.  Let's also not forget that Judaism is the roots of Christianity.   I love that I am a Scorpio and have its traits abundant in me, I just saw a psychic and I think nature has a lot to teach us too.  

I went to mass on Saturday.  We chose to go to the 530pm service.  It was being celebrated by a Franciscan priest.  Honestly, I hadn't been to church since Christmas and before that probably summertime?  Yep, not a good churchgoer  Anyways, the first reading was Job.  Fitting.  Second reading was about Jesus helping Simon Peter's mother and how her "sickness" was seen by others as strange and a weakness.  The Psalm and Gospel also had hopeless, depressed themes.  Hmmmmm.  Then came the priests homily or sermon.  It was perfect for me.   Talked about depression, hopelessness, anhedonia.  It was like "I was meant to be at this particular mass!"  I thanked the priest after.  He was very nice.  My church is a little on the more progressive side of catholic churches, at least that is my opinion.  Yes, they still follow the teachings they should and preach what they have to but they seem to leave a little room for discussion.  They definitely DON'T try to shove it down your throat that all they say it true and if you don't believe it you will go to hell.  That is how I sometimes felt growing up in catholic school and going to church and even with some family, my stricter elders in particular.  

So I felt a little fate playing there.  We hadn't all been to church as a family in a while, I need some spiritual peace and the readings, songs and sermon were all on things directly and deeply affecting my family and me.  Go figure.   

Can't sleep...

I've been up since approximately 230am.  It's now going for 6am.  No idea why I'm awake.  I didn't take my sleeping pill because I was drinking cider and a little champagne while watching the Giants beat the Patriots (YEAH BIG BLUE!!) and I didn't want to wind up like Demi or something...But I went to bed and fell asleep almost instantly. Then something woke me, don't know what.  And, here I sit.
Sunday, well, it wasn't a good day.  I felt sad and down, most of all, alone.  You can't take words back.  When you say things in anger or just out of sheer stupidity you can't take them back.  I guess I was also feeling guilty of things I said when I was feeling down.  I just don't have a lot of patience lately.  Just ask my husband and son.  They can tell you.  I'm trying but I still feel like I am stuck in the hole.  It is just taking so long and it is so hard to dig out of this.  Situations that seem to knock me back down in the hole or make it seem I've fallen deeper.  I know it will take awhile until I am back to my normal self ---HAHAHA  --actually there is no normal me!  Even when I am at my happiest and healthiest I am a bit NOT normal still but in a good way ; ).....
Yes, Sunday sucked aside from  the football game and seeing my sweet niece. Got some mixed news I wasn't expecting to hear.  I felt jittery all day like something, somewhere was wrong.   Not sure how to describe it.  I had that little bit of a feeling that my head was not attached to my body again.  It wasn't as severe as it was before.   It was just there a little bit.  To sum it up - very anxious!  High Anxiety!

 It is supposed to be a couple beautiful days here so that means sun and walks.  I'm hoping that helps me out in this week.  I think I might need a little help this week from some natural forces -- Mama Nature.

Love is not a cure, but it is a good distraction.

Years ago, after the first date I had with my husband, I remember waking up the next day and feeling like colors were brighter, things were clearer.  (Seriously! I did!! ) I fell in love with him almost instantly after that first date.  We had that "honeymoon" high for a few months and then, it wore off.  Now this also coincided with a SAD time of year (seasonal affective disorder) so that probably had something to do with it too.  I remember speaking to one of my friends and saying, "He is not the universal remedy. He can't cure me".  I still felt insecure, worried, down.  The walls that my past and present had built around me were still standing strong and firm. He did help break them down to get to the real me.  I have no idea how he had the patience and time to do that.
 My husband can be the most helpful, understanding, loving person, and then, sometimes he can't.  Yep, usually it's my fault when he is the opposite. I realized long ago he can't cure me.  He is sometimes like one of the pills I take... helps for a long time, but then we have our struggles.    I just hope he will always be my pill because most of the time the pill helps and works.  

Friday. It was a good day.

I was busy today.  Busy is good for me.  Walked the dog around the lake, did some PTA and community business.  A little shopping for the big Super Bowl.  Actually found some NY Football Giant balloons and some generic super bowl plates and cups.  Excited for Sunday!  I also registered for an online writing course!!!!!! -- it will help with my internet and blog writing skills.  The way it is described seem like it is a good fit for me.
 Things are OK today.  I dressed up a little... at least for me.  Sweater dress, knee high boots and fishnet stocking-- but, not the slutty kind.  I feel a little better when I dress up a little.  Most of the time I am in sweats and a t -shirt or sweatshirt.   To get away from that... makes me feel better.  It's something small and a little dumb, but it means something to me.  I feel a little more confident, especially when I am in my boots cuz we all know - "These Boot Are Made For Walkin""!!

A few things I want to show my thanks for this week.  I try to show thanks for something everyday and this week has been abundant!  Monday was a phone call from my best friend since ...kindergarten.... I believe.  Her words and just hearing her voice made my day and week.  Tuesday I went back to my WW meetings and felt OK about it even tho I was "up".   Need to keep my routine that day.  Wednesday - PTA meeting and lots of other stuff happening - personally thanked for doing a good job at my position --ALONE (kind of how I like it because I have executive power!! HAHAHAHA).....  Anyways, Thursday, walks, no rain, sunny skies, errands that went OK.  Got surprise present in the mail that meant so much to me.  From one of my biggest supporters from a certain New England state that begins with and M..OK narrow it down, Ma... no narrow further... Mai OK, there we go.  Her gifts and note touched me deeply!  So thankful and NEED TO CALL HER SOON!!  Miss her and her family so much as I do my other sweet loving friend in NE in the other Ma state  (xoxoxoxo).   Friday, surprises, a good walk but with a slight asthma annoyance (cold air + walk/running =bad lungs and some hacking--blah).  The boots finally took their toll on me and I needed a rest.  Little man and I received a big box from the - NYC from mom in-law.  Perfect gifts for Lil guy and some WEN for me YEAH!!  For dinner we decided to try to take the little man to a Japanese restaurant we fed him before in case he didn't eat anything.  Ordered some rice and tempura for him but he only at the rice!  He is so impossible to feed!  UGH!  

I am relaxing now and looking forward to doing that all weekend.  Play catch up on phone and emails and do some PTA work too.  Thank you for reading my blog.  I hope I don't bring anyone down too much.  I am thinking about starting a blog (once I get the hang of this) on lighter notes, as Ann Curry and Matt Lauer would say on the Today show (They are always saying "On a lighter note...)  Take care readers.........xoxo

Mental health issues & the black community article...

My husband saw this article on The Grio and posted it.  He has always told me, as other have, that mental illnesses in the black community is taboo.  It is seen as a weakness.  The stigma is much higher amongst African Americans than the public in general.  It is an excellent article weather you are black or not.

http://www.thegrio.com/entertainment/don-cornelius-suicide-should-stir-up-mental-health-debate-in-black-community.php


PS - just a note - My husband is black and we have had THIS particular discussion plenty of times.  When he saw this article he was like ..."FINALLY!"  He want the black community to start talking about this because it does exist.

The ugly, the bad and the worse...

I always assumed that everyone else suffered the blues, mood swings, down days.  That is what I thought my problem was all those years.  I know that almost everyone has had these days and, I just figured I was in many others company.  I never realized how deep and intense my depressive periods were and are.  I still don't understand how others see me when I am suffering even now.  It is really debilitating to me.  I can't get out of bed most days.  I feel sick, not in any specific way, just sick all over.  Sometimes headaches and upset stomach. Sometimes sore muscles.  I want to eat some days.  I don't others.  I cry all day or I sleep.  Sometimes my temper comes out.  I get short with my family and afterward I feel guilty and want to crawl in a hole.  And yes, the hardest to admit sometimes -- I want to crawl into that hole and just die.  I feel like I'm just a burden to everyone.  I feel useless, helpless, loveless.  Alone.

My husband does his best to take care of me but i can see the confusion and sadness in his eyes too.  My son, well, I just think he is confused.   He's only 8 so he can't completely understand. I recently told him that "Mommy has a sickness, but I take medicine to help it and have good doctors to help me.  It is in my head so it is not easy to explain."  He seemed to accept that explanation. One day he will find out.  He'll understand why his mom cried a lot, slept a lot and stayed in bed for days.  He'll understand (maybe) why mommy yelled at him over something small and dumb and broke into tears or why she yelled at him over something stupid and threw a pillow into the couch and went off to bed for the night at 6pm.  My fear? .That he won't understand or worse, suffer from the same disease.  THAT is my biggest fear for my child! That he will get this horrible awful thing and have to go through it.  At least I am here to help him through it though. I certainly hope I can.

I am a blogger...

...that is what someone said to me today!  Wow!  I kind of like that title even though there are many bloggers out there.  I think I want to write more though.  I think I want to be a blogger AND a writer.  A writer of what you ask...not sure about that yet.  Like I've been trying to tell myself lately--take everything day by day.

Scrambled Thoughts

Yesterday was not the greatest day.  Soon after my husband and son left for their hike I could feel something not right.  I did my best to ignore the feeling.  After all, I had planned a full day - morning to myself with little things to do around the house and afternoon with the family doing whatever.  It didn't work out the best though.  I had some stomach issues. Nothing new or serious though.  It just made me feel a little weak and tired.  I did what I could and accomplished a few things (yeah me).  Missed doing a few others and felt bad about it but I was in no shape of taking them on at that point.  I had some things on my minds too, things I can barely think about without crying, things that I worry about even though it's not MY particular problem.  That is one thing I do as a depressed person, I worry a lot.  When I don't get things done the way I planned it out, I get upset.  It feels as though I let myself down and others down too.  Shit, it sometimes feel like I let the whole f'ing world down!  That is how heavy and awful the feeling of not doing something I, me, Kathy set out to do and didn't.  It is paralyzing sometimes to me.  I feel like a failure - plain and simple.
I climbed into bed (not a good sign when Kathy climbs into bed in daylight--it could be days before she gets out of it).  My husband came in and gave me a pep talk which helped.  I took some deep breaths and focused on not hiding under the covers.  Decided to keep my mind busy then with a purse swap.  I transferred my "stuff" from my old Fossil purse into my new cuter Fossil purse.  (Yes I have a thing for Fossil)  That made me feel better and we got some comfort food for dinner that did not wreak havoc on me!  Finished the night off with a little wine & a movie.  My husband was ready for bed and I wasn't quite there yet. I had to catch up on some dvr'd shows I watch and anyways, my mind was racing about these things that worry me and upset me that can't be really discussed on a public blog.  Also worrying about my son and a school choice for him.  We need to decide for certain soon.  UGH! UGH! (I love Charlie Brown words - my favorite is UGH!)
When my mind races like that it's not good.  It's just not good for me or anyone else I live with.  I turn inward and cry over ANYTHING!  I feel like all I do is wrong.  It's a horrible horrible feeling but I experience it often.  Hopefully soon it will start to be less often.
Today I kind of have a little bit of a hangover (not the alcoholic kind) from yesterday.  Feeling a little sad. Don't really want to do anything today.  I also have this thing called costochondritis which makes under my breast and chest wall hurt so I am resting today and I think that is the best thing I can do today for myself.  Just rest and breath and try to relax.  I will try!  

Something I Saw On 30 Rock

If you watch the show you might know that is the character Kathy Geiss - the very unattractive, strange daughter of the former head of NBC.  It's good to find somewhere calming to go, but putting your head in a box is not recommended!

So I've been up since 430am because of my dog needing to go out early today (usually he is a 630-7am dog).  Now (930a) the little ba$t@rd is sleeping.  Needed to put on my artificial natural light (a little oxymoron there) or is it natural artificial light?  Hmmm....   However I did get a little work done for the PTA - big dinner in Feb. for Teachers Conference time.  I am in charge of that too so my theme is "4th of July in February".  I now have some letters to deliver to local businesses to ask for donation for our school.  Hopefully I can get a few to give us free stuff.
I do have my to-do list for this week set up to end next Friday.  There is a lot on there so I hope to get it all done by then but there are a few things that can wait if I can't do them.  I try to prioritize my lists.  I used to be excellent at doing this.  It started about 20 years ago after my first major depressive episode that included a "taking of many pills" (I'll talk about this at another time).  I was a sophomore in college living with some ladies that are my best friends today (you know who you are).  Because of the pill incident I was made to go to counseling with a psychiatrist at the university.  He was a nice guy.  Listened to me and gave me great advice.  His best advice was...MAKE A TO-DO LIST EVERY WEEK!  (also, guys are often unreliable...haha...he did say that though).  I try my best to sometimes it's just a to-do list for the day or a couple days.  In the past I have even included my son's and husband's names on it!
I do feel like I accomplish something when I check or scribble off the "do".  I prefer to use paper too and write in my own handwriting that few can decipher : ).  I could put it in my iPhone and hit delete when I'm done but I am still a paper person - have a calendar and always had appointment books.  I also prefer books to kindle or ibooks.  (No I've never tried a kindle or ibook device so I don't know how cool they are)  I just like the feel of a book in my hand.  Paper person.  I recycle though.

This is my 5th entry I think and I am liking this so far.  I do wish they had an auto correct especially for my capitalizing.  Never thought I'd wish for auto correct.  If they do have it and someone know it I hope you direct me to where to turn it ON.

I hope those reading these posts find them a tiny bit funny-- when I can do funny and helpful or insightful at the very least.  Also, I hope you don't judge.  That's not my point of being on here. Writing the personal things I am makes me very nervous.  But thank you anyways!