Really...

One thing I have noticed as I am writing this blog is that I really like the word REALLY.  I really must stop using it so much.  I mean, really, it's not that great of a word.  There has to be a better word to use besides really.

Holding it all in...

One of my biggest faults is that I bottle everything up inside.  It's hard for me to get my true feelings, beliefs, words out most of the time.  I hold it all in to a point that it almost hurts.  I have done this as far back as I can remember.  My mom says how I would be defiant when I was younger. I would not say a word if I got into trouble or she or my dad were mad at me or lecturing me.  I was the same way with my relationships.  Friends, old boyfriends, and my husband could probably tell you I am a non-confrontational (ok, unless I have a good reason).  I'm quiet about my feelings.  It's hard for me to be expressive about what is going on in my head.   Maybe because there is so much going on inside of my head!  A lot of the time something is happening - deep conversation, argument, disagreement, etc - I will just take it all in.  I think about it for a while and the conversation or whatever will be over and then, only later, will I be able to say my opinions, words, defense.  I think one of the reasons I am like this is because I am afraid of saying the WRONG thing especially in a heated or emotional time.  I am not a mean vindictive person.  I don't want to jump all over the other person or insult.  You have to do something really, really bad for me to show my anger or for me to "blow up".  I can only think of a handful of times that has happened and it was usually something he (He = from the past) did wrong--very wrong - lying, cheating, being cruel on purpose to me.
Yes, I do lose my temper, but for me to "lose it" on someone is rare.  If I start to get mad or upset I usually shut down, cry, hide.  I found out about 25 years ago writing helps.  I kept journals and diaries in my late high school years.  I did the same in college and even after.  I wrote letters, some of them called "beautiful" by those who received them.  Then something happened in 1996 and I stopped writing.  What happened is a small book itself, so I will get to that at another time.  I was broken and my writing went away for years.  Now, I am doing it again and instead of writing in my terrible handwriting in some decorative journal, I am blogging for you all to see.  It is so helpful for me to type out these words and share them.  I sometimes hesitate to post my blog for fear I reveal too much of myself to those of you I don't know very well or even at all, but if we ever meet or meet again, maybe you will understand me better.  Writing is therapeutic for me.  It helps me.  It calms me.  It's kind of like a medicine!

ChChChChanges...

With all that life throws at us, this blog may become about more than my depression.  With my husband's Parkinson's and my adventures being a mom and all the crap life is throwing around me lately, the blog may change.  I also have a notion to start another one someday.  I hope that if you read it you like it so far.  Comments, questions or suggestions are always welcome.  I am new to this and hope that I entertain you a little or at least peak your interest a bit.  Thanks, as always, for reading.

Married...Happily...

So happy my husband is going to be home for a few days with me.  It will make the sadness of the week's beginning easier.  Had a full house over the weekend and when that happens, the following Monday is usually a big, old, letdown.  My husband needs a few mental health days and some time to decompress, as he says.  We all know that feeling.

 We have been dealing with so much lately, especially him.  We are learning all that the both of us can about Parkinson's and he is reading Michael J Fox's biography.  He gets stiff and shaky but his meds seem to be helping him out.  He has told me that he's having no specific side effects so far.  So relieved about that because with all the drugs on the market sometimes the worst part of the drugs are the side effects no matter how much they help out.  I love how when you read the little booklet and it explains the side effects it always says something like "Your doctor recommended this medicine because the benefits of it will outweigh the negative side effects."  I laugh every time.  It's true but when are they going to make something that helps with no side effects?    

My husband and I went out to dinner and to listen to some music last night.  It was just so nice after all these stressful weeks and days to just talk with someone you love and just BE!  We had a fantastic time - tapas and sangria and then a little blues and wine.  We so needed a night out and like the old people we are we were home in by 1130pm! LOL!  We used to stay out until 1 am or even after when we'd have a night out.  It was not THAT long ago.  Now we sometimes just look forward to watching SNL no matter how unfunny it may be and just sitting on our couch sipping some wine and enjoying each other's company.    

I don't know what I would do with out the support of my husband lately.  So thankful for him!  

Anxiety...

I am feeling very anxious today.  It is like a heaviness in my chest, in my heart, in my soul maybe?  There's a pill for that, but it only does so much.  It can't cure it.  It only helps temporarily.

I think I am feeling so anxious because of the unknown.  What is to come?  What will happen?  Dwelling on it only makes it worse.  My stomach turns and I sometimes get slightly dizzy.  It is hard to concentrate.  I need to refocus my energy on something else, so that is why am writing today.  It helps a little bit, gets stuff out.  Refocuses my mind on something productive (at least I hope this is productive).  So let's change the subject.

I have to take the little man to see the Easter bunny today.  This may be the last year for that.  He's not thrilled the bunny at the mall is a female one (LOL).  I have to prepare for Easter and my niece's birthday this weekend too.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, when my mind is occupied with "important" stuff, life is a little easier for me.

Thanks for reading the blog as always and I hope it makes sense and even helps some of you!

This is what it feels like...

Nervous, shaken, upset, scared, anxious, want to run, want to seek comfort, want to sleep, want to stay up.  This is how I feel.  This is what is usually the beginning of a depressive episode.  I am so scared where it will take me.  It is the wrong week to do this.   I have to take care of my son.  This is not what I need right now.

 I just need to calm down get my head together.  This is so not fair.  All that is happening now is not fair.  It is driving me to the edge and I don't know how long I can keep it together.  I use up all of my strength sometimes just trying to keep it together.  I wonder if that is why I sleep so long somedays and am so tired and other days it almost feels like I am storing up energy in case I need it.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

Get by with a little help from my friends.

I have friends - best friends that live as close as 3 & 1/2 hours away to 6 to 8 hours away.  I get jealous of those people around me with their besties nearby having girls days out and girls nights out.  I have once or twice a year girls nights or days out (booooo!).

 I have recently spent time with all four of these lovely ladies that I care about deeply and can count on.  I wish I could spend more time with them.  They are relaxing, funny, informative, and honest with me -- all things I need. I love them dearly - they know who they are.  They are the most beautiful, brilliant, funny people I have ever met.  I've been friends with all of them for at least 22 to, like, 35+ years or so!  Even been friends with one since birth : ).  They are my "Other Sisters".  I have one beautiful wonderful sister but these ladies are different kinds of sisters for other reasons.

I am writing this because of what they have done or are doing - keeping me in their thougths.  I need it so much now and am so happy I have them.   They check up on me and send me positive and uplifting messages or just a simple HELLO!  They individually are amazing women in their own unique ways.  I am blessed and deeply humbled to have them in my life after all these years.  THANK YOU LADIES - A, B, C, K - you are THE BEST!!!

Lately I feel like I have been pulled in two different directions.  My heart hurts and I feel sad, get upset over little things, cry a lot.  Then I also feel angry.  I keep asking "Why?" and then I ask "What" - what can I punch, hit, shred.  It's been a difficult week, month, & years.  I have taken to being sentimental, drudging up old memories to try to make myself feel better about things.  I even had this idea of a time machine to go back and change things.  Maybe I just want to be like Jack and go back to the island - "We have to go baaaaack!!".

I can't change the past and I can't time travel.  These problems are not in my hands, they are others problems.  Some have done things to cause them and some have not.  I didn't do these things. I didn't cause them, at least that is what I tell my self.  With my depression, sometimes I take the blame for things out of my control.  I think of some memory that may have caused so and so to do this or maybe have caused him to get this or I should have been more of a supporter, more a sister, more of a friend, more of a daughter, etc.

I fight these demons everyday. I get a very strong case of the what ifs, would haves, could haves.  I hate this but they creep up anyway.  The next few weeks are not going to be pleasant.  Lots to deal with and it will be painful like nothing I've had to deal with before.  And, with this now, I also have to deal with the unknown for years to come.  I wish there was some kind of pill to give me superpower strength but that only happens in the movies.