Burden

A burden.  That is how I feel when I get really depressed.  My husband gets frustrated with me as do my parents.  My sister and sister in-law have their own problems to deal with I hate to bother them with my own.  My brother, who I only get to talk to every once in a while, understands more because he deals with depression too.  I can vent to him but sometimes I don't want to burden him either.  My good friends also have their own lives and those challenges that go with it to deal with.  I hate bothering people.  I guess that is why I would be a terrible president?!

When you feel like you are a burden to those that you love, those that you count on for support in your "regular" life, it is 100 times more difficult to tell them you are down and depressed and in a dark place.

 I want to run away.  That is my thing.  I want to run.  I want to go far away because maybe that will solve my problems.  I have tried.  More than once.  It doesn't work as far as I know.  So most of the time I am depressed, I stay in bed. I sleep.  I get so tired and lack any energy when I get depressed.  My only savior is my son.  I get out of bed for him.  Even when I am tired and sleepy and in a dark place, my son will come in with some news to tell me.  Still, as much as I KNOW he loves me and as much as I love and adore him, I start to think, maybe I am a burden to him too?  Maybe he's be better off without me. Something though in the darkest of times has held me back from running away--it is him.  My only baby, my only son.  He keeps me here and gives me the will to go on to the next day.  He makes me laugh and God love our children--they really do love us unconditionally!

I don't completely understand my depression.  I am still trying.  I don't understand why I get the way I do.  I get scared.  I get angry. I get misunderstood.  I get panicky.  I get shamed.  I get embarrassed.  Most of all, I just get sad.  I lose sight of the present and the future.  I stay in the mind of the past and the lost.  I am trying SO HARD to overcome it all.  I want my 40's to be better-- to get a hold of it all to conquer all the bad stuff and live happily.  I hope I can.

WRONG!

I do not like getting yelled at.  Getting yelled at means someone probably thinks I am wrong or did something wrong.  Sometimes I think I do everything wrong.  Seriously.  EVERYTHING!  Depression will make you think that.  It will make you think--THINK--you do EVERYTHING WRONG!

Sometimes when you have depression and have had it for a long time and struggle to deal with daily situations, people around you blame you.  They yell at you.  They think this will help "snap" you out of your depressed state.  Guess what?  It doesn't help.  It only hurts.  Please, if you know someone who is depressed, don't yell at them no matter how frustrated you get at them.  It only hurts more.  Hold them. Love them.  Tell them everything will be ok.  Tell them to fight.  Remind them of good times.  Remind them of things to come.  Just hug them.  It helps more than getting mad, frustrated or raising your voice.  

Floating along...

So, imagine you are floating on water--in a pool, in a river, lake, ocean--doesn't matter.  Then, you begin to get tired and start treading in the water.  You're treading and slowly waving your arms and legs.  You're smiling but you are tired and start to lose energy.  Suddenly, without warning, you start to go under.  You struggle to keep treading the water.  You are losing the fight. You struggle to breathe.  You fight, but the water is too much.  You start to swallow the water, you can't breathe anymore and lose your strength.  You go under water.  No matter how hard you fight you can't get to the surface again. No lifeguards are in sight.  No one you know is in sight to help you.  They are all swimming or floating or having a picnic on the beach or just laying there on the sand.  Now imagine that you don't want anyone to help you.  You are on your own.  That is all you can think.  No one can help you because you are in too deep.

Depression is the water.

Let's try this again...

It has been 6 months since I last wrote.  Some people do not like how I share my feelings and thoughts here on my blog. Some think it's too sad to read and then worry about me.  This has stunted me.  It made me not want to write again at all.

Writing for me is like a therapy though.  It helps me.  I have depression. Depression is an illness.  It took me years to deal with that.  It is ok though and that is why I started this blog.  I am going to try to start writing again.  Maybe that will help me because I am in a deep funk.  I am in deep and I want to get out of it.