I've prayed hard for things in life and it seems every time I do pray really hard, it ends up bad...like today, last week, sometime ago and so on. I'm giving up on a lot as of now. Tonight.
I am angry at my god. I am angry at the rest of the f'ing world. I fight and fight and fight this disease this curse and yet it takes just a few words to bring me back down no matter how relaxed I felt this weekend; no matter how happy and proud I was of my son tonight. The pile of crap just keeps coming.
My parents have been through a mini hell the past 2 years. My brothers is in a big hell now. Other family and friends have their own ups and downs the past few years too. My husband, the good honest man--wonderful man to put up with me-- has been diagnosed with a disease there is no cure for and that no one really understands completely. Over the next few weeks, I have to explain to an sweet little 8 year old things I don't understand one bit!! No amount of meds, therapy, prayers can help me there. I can only be strong for him and my husband, but I am finding it hard to be strong enough to get out of bed, to exercise, to be somewhat human.
No idea how I am going to sleep tonight. No idea how I am going to get through tomorrow or the next day and so on. I felt so tired yesterday and slept and slept now I realize I was probably covering myself for the next few nights. Yes I have sleeping pills and pills to relax me but I want nothing to do with them tonight. I actually want to feel for a change. Sometimes the meds are good and sometimes they are not. I don't want to feel numb and sleepy tonight, I want to FEEL! Yes I want to feel the hurt, disgust, and pain. If I don't, it will probably just come back to haunt me later.
So much has happened over the past few years, so much bad news. I don't know when it will stop but I know I can't take anymore. I guess I will just wait until the next bomb to drop...
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