Burden

A burden.  That is how I feel when I get really depressed.  My husband gets frustrated with me as do my parents.  My sister and sister in-law have their own problems to deal with I hate to bother them with my own.  My brother, who I only get to talk to every once in a while, understands more because he deals with depression too.  I can vent to him but sometimes I don't want to burden him either.  My good friends also have their own lives and those challenges that go with it to deal with.  I hate bothering people.  I guess that is why I would be a terrible president?!

When you feel like you are a burden to those that you love, those that you count on for support in your "regular" life, it is 100 times more difficult to tell them you are down and depressed and in a dark place.

 I want to run away.  That is my thing.  I want to run.  I want to go far away because maybe that will solve my problems.  I have tried.  More than once.  It doesn't work as far as I know.  So most of the time I am depressed, I stay in bed. I sleep.  I get so tired and lack any energy when I get depressed.  My only savior is my son.  I get out of bed for him.  Even when I am tired and sleepy and in a dark place, my son will come in with some news to tell me.  Still, as much as I KNOW he loves me and as much as I love and adore him, I start to think, maybe I am a burden to him too?  Maybe he's be better off without me. Something though in the darkest of times has held me back from running away--it is him.  My only baby, my only son.  He keeps me here and gives me the will to go on to the next day.  He makes me laugh and God love our children--they really do love us unconditionally!

I don't completely understand my depression.  I am still trying.  I don't understand why I get the way I do.  I get scared.  I get angry. I get misunderstood.  I get panicky.  I get shamed.  I get embarrassed.  Most of all, I just get sad.  I lose sight of the present and the future.  I stay in the mind of the past and the lost.  I am trying SO HARD to overcome it all.  I want my 40's to be better-- to get a hold of it all to conquer all the bad stuff and live happily.  I hope I can.