I always assumed that everyone else suffered the blues, mood swings, down days. That is what I thought my problem was all those years. I know that almost everyone has had these days and, I just figured I was in many others company. I never realized how deep and intense my depressive periods were and are. I still don't understand how others see me when I am suffering even now. It is really debilitating to me. I can't get out of bed most days. I feel sick, not in any specific way, just sick all over. Sometimes headaches and upset stomach. Sometimes sore muscles. I want to eat some days. I don't others. I cry all day or I sleep. Sometimes my temper comes out. I get short with my family and afterward I feel guilty and want to crawl in a hole. And yes, the hardest to admit sometimes -- I want to crawl into that hole and just die. I feel like I'm just a burden to everyone. I feel useless, helpless, loveless. Alone.
My husband does his best to take care of me but i can see the confusion and sadness in his eyes too. My son, well, I just think he is confused. He's only 8 so he can't completely understand. I recently told him that "Mommy has a sickness, but I take medicine to help it and have good doctors to help me. It is in my head so it is not easy to explain." He seemed to accept that explanation. One day he will find out. He'll understand why his mom cried a lot, slept a lot and stayed in bed for days. He'll understand (maybe) why mommy yelled at him over something small and dumb and broke into tears or why she yelled at him over something stupid and threw a pillow into the couch and went off to bed for the night at 6pm. My fear? .That he won't understand or worse, suffer from the same disease. THAT is my biggest fear for my child! That he will get this horrible awful thing and have to go through it. At least I am here to help him through it though. I certainly hope I can.
I had someone else explain one time that it feels like a shadow attached to your heels. Some days it totally overpowers you and takes every once of energy just to get through the day. Other times it shrinks down and just follows behind. Even on those days, you worry that it's just waiting to strike again. It's frustrating to have it with you all the time, but with help you WILL find a way to manage it's presence.
ReplyDeleteI can understand the fear of passing it on, but you may or may not have any control over that. Sometimes it's just in our genetics like other diseases. The best you can do is become an expert on how to manage it so that if he struggles, you'll be armed and ready to help him.
Remember that we all have challenges that we inherit by genetics or circumstances. That is unavoidable. It's what we do about those challenges that help us and our kids to take on the world!
Don't worry about how others see you, because they don't know your shadow or how incredibly powerful it is. Clearly, you're doing the best you can to defeat it, and that's really the best you can do. Keep fighting and you'll find the warrior inside you to win this battle.