One of my biggest faults is that I bottle everything up inside. It's hard for me to get my true feelings, beliefs, words out most of the time. I hold it all in to a point that it almost hurts. I have done this as far back as I can remember. My mom says how I would be defiant when I was younger. I would not say a word if I got into trouble or she or my dad were mad at me or lecturing me. I was the same way with my relationships. Friends, old boyfriends, and my husband could probably tell you I am a non-confrontational (ok, unless I have a good reason). I'm quiet about my feelings. It's hard for me to be expressive about what is going on in my head. Maybe because there is so much going on inside of my head! A lot of the time something is happening - deep conversation, argument, disagreement, etc - I will just take it all in. I think about it for a while and the conversation or whatever will be over and then, only later, will I be able to say my opinions, words, defense. I think one of the reasons I am like this is because I am afraid of saying the WRONG thing especially in a heated or emotional time. I am not a mean vindictive person. I don't want to jump all over the other person or insult. You have to do something really, really bad for me to show my anger or for me to "blow up". I can only think of a handful of times that has happened and it was usually something he (He = from the past) did wrong--very wrong - lying, cheating, being cruel on purpose to me.
Yes, I do lose my temper, but for me to "lose it" on someone is rare. If I start to get mad or upset I usually shut down, cry, hide. I found out about 25 years ago writing helps. I kept journals and diaries in my late high school years. I did the same in college and even after. I wrote letters, some of them called "beautiful" by those who received them. Then something happened in 1996 and I stopped writing. What happened is a small book itself, so I will get to that at another time. I was broken and my writing went away for years. Now, I am doing it again and instead of writing in my terrible handwriting in some decorative journal, I am blogging for you all to see. It is so helpful for me to type out these words and share them. I sometimes hesitate to post my blog for fear I reveal too much of myself to those of you I don't know very well or even at all, but if we ever meet or meet again, maybe you will understand me better. Writing is therapeutic for me. It helps me. It calms me. It's kind of like a medicine!
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