Lately I feel like I have been pulled in two different directions.  My heart hurts and I feel sad, get upset over little things, cry a lot.  Then I also feel angry.  I keep asking "Why?" and then I ask "What" - what can I punch, hit, shred.  It's been a difficult week, month, & years.  I have taken to being sentimental, drudging up old memories to try to make myself feel better about things.  I even had this idea of a time machine to go back and change things.  Maybe I just want to be like Jack and go back to the island - "We have to go baaaaack!!".

I can't change the past and I can't time travel.  These problems are not in my hands, they are others problems.  Some have done things to cause them and some have not.  I didn't do these things. I didn't cause them, at least that is what I tell my self.  With my depression, sometimes I take the blame for things out of my control.  I think of some memory that may have caused so and so to do this or maybe have caused him to get this or I should have been more of a supporter, more a sister, more of a friend, more of a daughter, etc.

I fight these demons everyday. I get a very strong case of the what ifs, would haves, could haves.  I hate this but they creep up anyway.  The next few weeks are not going to be pleasant.  Lots to deal with and it will be painful like nothing I've had to deal with before.  And, with this now, I also have to deal with the unknown for years to come.  I wish there was some kind of pill to give me superpower strength but that only happens in the movies.